05-10-2014, 08:55 PM
Hi,
I enjoyEd this poem because of the subject and passage of time. The first two stanzas set up well and intrigued me as a reader.
the arroyos in front
and back of my house
aren't filled
by a flood of history
there is no desire
to break their banks
carve a new path
create a new order
These three lines seem out of place and should perhaps come after the following stanza rather than before or be combined with it.
streams and rivers change
when overwhelmed
by volume and force
A tad confusing, why do they remind you?
The rains have come
reminding me
my view of revolution
has changed
Whose children?
the children tease:
men don’t sweep,
nor scrub dishes,
nor wash clothes
by hand in the river
Consider omitting back
I smile back
in my world they do,
or at least they can
Nice imagery In next two stanzas
victories are first won
snapping soapy cloth
between fists,
rinsing plates,
and coaxing dirt
I spend my mornings
sweeping out the wings
of flying, mating, dying insects
sweeping them out by the thousands
frustrated as they resist
These next seven lines could stand to be tightened, not repeating line "floating up and settling down" is one idea
caught up in currents of air
floating up and settling down
nearly where they began
wings - alas the children tell me
reminding me of the word for soul
floating up and settling down
nearly where they began.
Perhaps creating stanzas with the same number of lines would assist the reading flow however I like the imagery as it describes the termites very nicely
Years later
same rough hewn planks
same translucent wings
but instead of history's
inevitable march,
alas, o almas perdidas,
I see the tumult of air
rather than the flutter of matter
I see conflict of gravity, inertia
the trajectory of energy
a sweeper moved by
the same thinly-veiled forces
insubstantial as the
membrane of rising
and falling wings
these termites pass instinct
through generations of young
moment to moment
life to life
each sweep
each flight and fall
backwards and forward
learning and relearning.
finally, wings flutter into sunlight
out the door, settling into mud
Great idea here. Consider incorporating punctuation through out, your powerful poem will flow more effectively.
it seems so little has changed.
I recognize their faces
in their sons & daughters,
but men with brooms & soap
are no longer foreign.
wives and girls working
zonas francas,
maids in towns,
o afuera
making-do is not the same
as overcoming
roaring torrents
a mass of humanity beyond breaking,
a single life beyond control,
or a violent rush of beginningless karma
I catch what's left
of myself
I feel the last bit here needs tightening.
it's still about liberation, but
instead of the sweep of revolution
I see the movement of action and intention
I mind the breath and whisper
be determined, be patient, and finally be free.
Over all a very powerful poem with strong imagery, good points, depth and causing me to see the issues along with the termites. Bravo!
I enjoyEd this poem because of the subject and passage of time. The first two stanzas set up well and intrigued me as a reader.
the arroyos in front
and back of my house
aren't filled
by a flood of history
there is no desire
to break their banks
carve a new path
create a new order
These three lines seem out of place and should perhaps come after the following stanza rather than before or be combined with it.
streams and rivers change
when overwhelmed
by volume and force
A tad confusing, why do they remind you?
The rains have come
reminding me
my view of revolution
has changed
Whose children?
the children tease:
men don’t sweep,
nor scrub dishes,
nor wash clothes
by hand in the river
Consider omitting back
I smile back
in my world they do,
or at least they can
Nice imagery In next two stanzas
victories are first won
snapping soapy cloth
between fists,
rinsing plates,
and coaxing dirt
I spend my mornings
sweeping out the wings
of flying, mating, dying insects
sweeping them out by the thousands
frustrated as they resist
These next seven lines could stand to be tightened, not repeating line "floating up and settling down" is one idea
caught up in currents of air
floating up and settling down
nearly where they began
wings - alas the children tell me
reminding me of the word for soul
floating up and settling down
nearly where they began.
Perhaps creating stanzas with the same number of lines would assist the reading flow however I like the imagery as it describes the termites very nicely
Years later
same rough hewn planks
same translucent wings
but instead of history's
inevitable march,
alas, o almas perdidas,
I see the tumult of air
rather than the flutter of matter
I see conflict of gravity, inertia
the trajectory of energy
a sweeper moved by
the same thinly-veiled forces
insubstantial as the
membrane of rising
and falling wings
these termites pass instinct
through generations of young
moment to moment
life to life
each sweep
each flight and fall
backwards and forward
learning and relearning.
finally, wings flutter into sunlight
out the door, settling into mud
Great idea here. Consider incorporating punctuation through out, your powerful poem will flow more effectively.
it seems so little has changed.
I recognize their faces
in their sons & daughters,
but men with brooms & soap
are no longer foreign.
wives and girls working
zonas francas,
maids in towns,
o afuera
making-do is not the same
as overcoming
roaring torrents
a mass of humanity beyond breaking,
a single life beyond control,
or a violent rush of beginningless karma
I catch what's left
of myself
I feel the last bit here needs tightening.
it's still about liberation, but
instead of the sweep of revolution
I see the movement of action and intention
I mind the breath and whisper
be determined, be patient, and finally be free.
Over all a very powerful poem with strong imagery, good points, depth and causing me to see the issues along with the termites. Bravo!