no name (yet)

[bbcashdollar]

I'm loving you in borrowed time,
an opportunity I can't forsake.
And I know the loss will not be mine.
It'll teach your heart how to break.

I'm loving you in stolen years.
And when those years have gone by,
they'll leave you broken and in tears.
They will teach you what it is to cry.

I'm leaving you, you're losing me.
And there is nothing left to say.
Take me home, hold my hand.
I know I'm going, but please... stay.

I read this and I think - cancer.
Personally, I'm not thrilled with the way that it rhymes, but that's just me. However, I think it is well suited to the tender voice of the narrator. What I don't think works is the closing lines of the first 2 stanzas, whether cancer, the fates, or something else external, it almost comes across as passive aggressive. I would suggest covering those experiences/lessons in those lines from the nurturing perspective of the narrator. Overall it, I think it's effective and gets to where you want it to go.

---

I'm loving you in borrowed time,
an opportunity I can't forsake.
And I know the loss will not be mine.
It'll teach your heart how to break.

I'm loving you in stolen years.
And when those years have gone by,
they'll leave you broken and in tears.
They will teach you what it is to cry.

I'm leaving you, you're losing me.
And there is nothing left to say.
Take me home, hold my hand.
I know I'm going, but please... stay.

I read this and I think - cancer.
Personally, I'm not thrilled with the way that it rhymes, but that's just me. However, I think it is well suited to the tender voice of the narrator. What I don't think works is the closing lines of the first 2 stanzas, whether cancer, the fates, or something else external, it almost comes across as passive aggressive. I would suggest covering those experiences/lessons in those lines from the nurturing perspective of the narrator. Overall it, I think it's effective and gets to where you want it to go.

Another thought, in reading the first stanza, my initial impression was guilt from the narrator, and thought it might lead into cheating, before changing direction. If cancer that sort of guilt would be a very natural response by the patient.

Again I think it works, but if you want to be really brave, circle the most obvious cliches "borrowed language so to speak" and look for a new way to say it. Not necessary, but it would be an interesting exercise. Thanks again.