Under the Porch Light

[Caleb Murdock]

"as old folks often are"....is too direct. The running commentary throughout the poem is distracting. Let the reader do a little work, will ya'? You seem to be going out your way to make sure everyone "understands" what this poem is about. Even your "before" comments about the poem are pretty leading (although I understand none of these comments would be there were I to open a book and find this poem, I also found these comments distracting). It's a nice poem. Let the reader enjoy it a little w/o all the commentary.

"Schmaltzy" w/o being too schmaltzy. Melancholy w/o being too melancholy. Nostalgic w/o being too nostalgic. Has a touch of all of these. I think you need to decide what you want it to be. A lesson poem? A look back poem? I wish I had done it differently poem? As it stands, it sounds a little like a Wish I wasn't old but I am poem. The last line is highly cliche' to me. Old vs Young Please Listen to Me I'm Old poems are a dime a dozen. What makes this one special? Give me something that a younger reader can REALLY take to heart.

I appreciate your perspective. I may be rehashing things said by other poets, but I think everyone has a right to address the timeless issues (aging being one of them) in their own way.

I think the central theme of the poem is established in the lines that begin "And so we are children in our hearts". However, it's true that I didn't know what the poem would be when I started it. An opening line popped out, and then I just built on it as I went. At first I thought it would simply be a poem about the shallowness of youth, but then my fear of aging presented itself, and that set me on a different course. For what it's worth, I've been focussed on youth and aging all my life, even when I was young. I always saw youth as the key to happiness -- and in that way, I'm very American.

"Wish I wasn't old but I am" is as good as any other theme, don't you think?

As for my writing style, I don't try to hide my meaning from the reader. I don't want the reader to have to do any work. Also, I'm not sure what "commentary" you are talking about. I start out with philosophical meanderings about youth and age, and then end up with the physical act of going to the porch. I thought it was a good transition.

I'm not in any way dismissing what you said, but I'll have to think about it. I think the poem is too set for a big rewrite at this point. Every time I try a wholesale rewrite (on this or any poem), the poem always seems to get worse.

Oh, and one more thing: I wasn't writing this for young readers. But one of the things that a young reader can take from it is that people generally continue to feel young in their hearts as they age. I didn't know that when I was young.