Under the Porch Light

[ellajam]

Hi, Caleb, welcome.
I've been reading this and trying to figure out what bothers me. I like the idea, I take the 1+1+2=3 to mean me, you and us. I'm no meter expert, and it may not be important to you here, but I think the way it bounces around is what leaves me unsatisfied. I also might prefer a more intricate rhyme scheme, unless I'm missing something, which is very possible. Here are a few notes.

Youth is a strange thing, superficial and thin —
As fine and slight as snow, and quickly over; As you say below, not so quickly over in many ways.
Yet many a woman and most men
Will have it as their only lover. This is interesting.

Even I, who says it does not sway me,
Look in your aged eyes and love them so
Because I see the youngster waiting; Love this line, waiting is good.
Though were youth to leave, I would not go.

And so we are children in our hearts,
And that is why our age seems so outrageous; Not a fan of outrageous/gorgeous
Beauty fades, but the composure in your face
Could in no way be more gorgeous. I like beauty vs gorgeous.

Walk with me to the porch; let us sit
And be content, as old folks often are;
One old hand wrapped tightly in another,
And the porch light just another star. This line is great, the preceding three nothing new.

Let us be content to watch the end settle Love the end settle.
Around us three — one and one and two —
Like the soft shawl held to our necks — an end Sharing a shawl? meh
That is not an end, but the start of something new.

===============

This is a somewhat old poem for me, but I would like to put it to bed now. I would like your reaction in three areas:

- The third line used to say, "Yet many a woman and most of men". I liked it, but most readers thought I was trying to flesh out the meter (I wasn't), so I removed "of". Does it sound good the way it stands now?

- Does the "outrageous/gorgeous" rhyme sound too strained or comical?

- Do you understand the "one and one and two" line?

I have other things to say about the poem, but I'll wait for some feedback first. One more thing: I wasn't trying to write a metrically perfect poem, so considerations about the meter aren't very important to me.

I'd love to see you pull this one together, hope this helps.