05-01-2014, 02:42 AM
Youth is a strange thing, superficial and thin —
As fine and slight as snow, and quickly over;
Yet many a woman and most men
Will have it as their only lover.
Even I, who says it does not sway me,
Look in your aged eyes and love them so
Because I see the youngster waiting;
Though were youth to leave, I would not go.
And so we are children in our hearts,
And that is why our age seems so outrageous;
Beauty fades, but the composure in your face
Could in no way be more gorgeous.
Walk with me to the porch; let us sit
And be content, as old folks often are;
One old hand wrapped tightly in another,
And the porch light just another star.
Let us be content to watch the end settle
Around us three — one and one and two —
Like the soft shawl held to our necks — an end
That is not an end, but the start of something new.
===============
This is a somewhat old poem for me, but I would like to put it to bed now. I would like your reaction in three areas:
- The third line used to say, "Yet many a woman and most of men". I liked it, but most readers thought I was trying to flesh out the meter (I wasn't), so I removed "of". Does it sound good the way it stands now?
- Does the "outrageous/gorgeous" rhyme sound too strained or comical?
- Do you understand the "one and one and two" line?
I have other things to say about the poem, but I'll wait for some feedback first. One more thing: I wasn't trying to write a metrically perfect poem, so considerations about the meter aren't very important to me.
As fine and slight as snow, and quickly over;
Yet many a woman and most men
Will have it as their only lover.
Even I, who says it does not sway me,
Look in your aged eyes and love them so
Because I see the youngster waiting;
Though were youth to leave, I would not go.
And so we are children in our hearts,
And that is why our age seems so outrageous;
Beauty fades, but the composure in your face
Could in no way be more gorgeous.
Walk with me to the porch; let us sit
And be content, as old folks often are;
One old hand wrapped tightly in another,
And the porch light just another star.
Let us be content to watch the end settle
Around us three — one and one and two —
Like the soft shawl held to our necks — an end
That is not an end, but the start of something new.
===============
This is a somewhat old poem for me, but I would like to put it to bed now. I would like your reaction in three areas:
- The third line used to say, "Yet many a woman and most of men". I liked it, but most readers thought I was trying to flesh out the meter (I wasn't), so I removed "of". Does it sound good the way it stands now?
- Does the "outrageous/gorgeous" rhyme sound too strained or comical?
- Do you understand the "one and one and two" line?
I have other things to say about the poem, but I'll wait for some feedback first. One more thing: I wasn't trying to write a metrically perfect poem, so considerations about the meter aren't very important to me.