04-30-2014, 01:35 AM
I don't have a problem with the first line. It's okay to simply say what you feel.
I'd like to see the poem a little more concise, with some words culled and better line breaks. The syntax in the poem is shaky, without clear sentencing. As free verse, it will have more coherence if you develop a dependable rhythm with the words.
The timing of the poem also isn't immediately clear. At first you say "when" the tree snapped, as if it just happened, but in other places in the poem it sounds as if the tree broke sometime in the past.
When you say things like, "Giving birth to a seedling, only to watch it come crashing down", you are confusing the timeline. Also, your verb forms (tenses, I guess) seem a little confused.
The more I wade into the poem, the more it feels like an early draft to me.
Oh yes, I hate the personification of the tree as a male, but that's just my preference.
To give you a quick example of how the language could be more concise, I quickly retyped a few lines. I'm not saying these retyped lines are good, but they don't ramble as much:
Nostalgia never felt more bittersweet
Than when the old oak tree by the North River Pond
Snapped in half in the storm, bending
As if its spine were made of rubber;
One felt the local pastor had been killed.
Cracked and bowed, the rope swing in the water,
Once great branches drooped down to eye level.
etc.
[I didn't read the other comments, so I may have repeated things that other people said.]
I'd like to see the poem a little more concise, with some words culled and better line breaks. The syntax in the poem is shaky, without clear sentencing. As free verse, it will have more coherence if you develop a dependable rhythm with the words.
The timing of the poem also isn't immediately clear. At first you say "when" the tree snapped, as if it just happened, but in other places in the poem it sounds as if the tree broke sometime in the past.
When you say things like, "Giving birth to a seedling, only to watch it come crashing down", you are confusing the timeline. Also, your verb forms (tenses, I guess) seem a little confused.
The more I wade into the poem, the more it feels like an early draft to me.
Oh yes, I hate the personification of the tree as a male, but that's just my preference.
To give you a quick example of how the language could be more concise, I quickly retyped a few lines. I'm not saying these retyped lines are good, but they don't ramble as much:
Nostalgia never felt more bittersweet
Than when the old oak tree by the North River Pond
Snapped in half in the storm, bending
As if its spine were made of rubber;
One felt the local pastor had been killed.
Cracked and bowed, the rope swing in the water,
Once great branches drooped down to eye level.
etc.
[I didn't read the other comments, so I may have repeated things that other people said.]
(04-27-2014, 05:06 PM)AnywherebutHere Wrote: Nostalgia never felt more bittersweet when
the old red oak tree by the north river pond had snapped
in half by the storm, like his spine was made of rubber.
Driving past the fields of childhood memories,
it's like someone killed the local pastor.
Limp and bowed over, the rope swing dipped in water.
His branches no longer constricted high ("constricted"? "high and mighty" is cliched)
and mighty, but drooped down to eye level.
No more fresh sap can he deliver, just sheltering an old honey hive,
that the rain could not wash over,
and children were climbing his lifeless (how long after did the children start climbing on it? where are you in time?)
trunk, ripping out the only twigs left on his withered
arms, and hauling them at each other.