the lovers are weeping inside

[BenjaminShaw]

The lovers are
Weeping inside,
Lying upon satin sheets,
Ruffled and undone;
It’s a clean spring night,
The dew on the grass relaxes,
The toads croak,
Far off.
They glow like two bulbs,
Pale in the new moon.
The lovers are young,
They’re bodies are supple.
Their eyes refuse
Stripping themselves, each other.
The sharing of flesh is
Unknown to them,
Black curling hair,
Imperfect,
Various flaws
Show themselves.
Brownish marks on the skin,
Layers.
Awkward, worried
Their aims unselfish;
He touches her forehead,
Sweating.
Her body flattens,
He hides himself.
A doorway,
Opening,
Slithering,
Exploring.
The lovers are
Weeping inside.

[J.M.Byrnes]

The lovers are
Weeping inside,
Lying upon satin sheets, It kind of seems off, as you read on, considering it's their first time. Plus, satin sheets is kind of a cliche image.
Ruffled and undone; Ruffled, as in decoration? That doesn't seem to fit. Rumpled maybe?
It’s a clean spring night,
The dew on the grass relaxes, ambiguous -- relaxes what or who?
The toads croak, Do toads croak?
Far off.
They glow like two bulbs, this almost reads like you are referring to the toads, and it seems a bit strong, considering the next line.
Pale in the new moon.
The lovers are young, I think you might need to introduce this earlier and more subtly.
They’re bodies are supple.
Their eyes refuse this seems open-ended, like a bit of a non sequitur, refuse what?
Stripping themselves, each other.
The sharing of flesh is
Unknown to them,
Black curling hair, both of them? And does this really add anything?
Imperfect,
Various flaws
Show themselves.
Brownish marks on the skin, I'm not really seeing that.
Layers. Ambiguous.
Awkward, worried This seems like something you could get across with action or imagery -- you pretty much do that in the next few lines.
Their aims unselfish;
He touches her forehead,
Sweating.
Her body flattens,
He hides himself.
A doorway,
Opening,
Slithering,
Exploring.
The lovers are
Weeping inside.

I get the awkwardness of the moment, the uncertainty. But I'm not seeing why they are "weeping inside." I think you at least need to hint at that. I'm also not a fan of the really short or one one-word lines -- I think you miss opportunities to control the pace in a more interesting way. It's a good theme, and you have some interesting ideas and images.

[brandontoh]

The lovers are
Weeping inside, -- This is already the title I don't think there's a need to repeat them right away.
Lying upon satin sheets,
Ruffled and undone;
It’s a clean spring night,
The dew on the grass relaxes,
The toads croak,
Far off.  -- While it is always good to use rich imagery in your poems, they must serve a purpose. I don't see how the spring night, the dew, and the toads help the poem. It is tempting when writing to want to put in loads of images and words, but they have to make sense. 
They glow like two bulbs,
Pale in the new moon.
The lovers are young,
They’re bodies are supple. -- Their.
Their eyes refuse -- Eyes refuse? How? Why? For these few lines, the imagery works better, but there is no precedent to warrant this reluctance. 
Stripping themselves, each other.
The sharing of flesh is
Unknown to them, 
Black curling hair,
Imperfect,
Various flaws
Show themselves. -- So far a valiant effort has been made to ensure that you adhere to the old 'show, don't tell' adage. However, 'various flaws show themselves', and 'sharing of flesh is unknown to them' break away from the flow of the poem. 
Brownish marks on the skin,
Layers.
Awkward, worried
Their aims unselfish;
He touches her forehead,
Sweating.
Her body flattens,
He hides himself.
A doorway,
Opening,
Slithering,
Exploring.
The lovers are
Weeping inside. -- Why are they weeping inside? I think that you can try to narrow the scope of your poem even more. Focus on one single point and try and form a complete poem on just that one point. 

[just mercedes]

Hi Ben - you have some great imagery here, also some problems. Format for me is really important when I read a poem. With caps at the start of each line, the flow of the poem is interrupted.

The lovers are
Weeping inside, Can you show me that, rather than telling me? Let me work it out for myself.
Lying upon satin sheets,
Ruffled and undone;
It’s a clean spring night,
The dew on the grass relaxes, That's a new image!
The toads croak,
Far off.
They glow like two bulbs, Who? The toads?
Pale in the new moon.
The lovers are young,
They’re bodies are supple. Again, I don't like being told. Show me them doing something so I know they're young and supple
Their eyes refuse
Stripping themselves, each other.
The sharing of flesh is
Unknown to them, Do you mean they're virgins or about to become cannibals?
Black curling hair,
Imperfect,
Various flaws
Show themselves.
Brownish marks on the skin,
Layers. Those last five lines all say much the same thing, Find one or two words for it.
Awkward, worried
Their aims unselfish; This eye of God is making me feel like a voyeur
He touches her forehead,
Sweating.
Her body flattens,
He hides himself.
A doorway,
Opening,
Slithering,
Exploring.
The lovers are
Weeping inside. You'll have to find a new title, or change this final couplet, I think.

Thanks for posting your poem!

[Leanne]

This forum is for Serious Workshopping.  As the OP has not responded to any of the critiques and has therefore shown no intention of workshopping, this thread is now closed.  Thank you to all who have given their valuable time and expertise in comments/ Admin