04-29-2014, 08:44 PM
I just want to say that I prefer the original opening stanza to the revised one. I didn't agree with any of Tectak's comments on that stanza. I particularly love "spine-broken".
In the first version, I agree that calling it a "gleaming orb" before you remove the brown skin is a problem, but all you needed to do was substitute another adjective for "gleaming". I'm not sure how I feel about "knell", although I noticed it.
Cutting the onion releases a "tang", but doesn't that imply a taste (before you have tasted it)? Some word that means "aroma" would be better.
I agree that "grey mulch" didn't make much sense.
In closing, I just want to say that it is important to be true to the music in your head. Your original first stanza was more musical and interesting than the new one.
In the first version, I agree that calling it a "gleaming orb" before you remove the brown skin is a problem, but all you needed to do was substitute another adjective for "gleaming". I'm not sure how I feel about "knell", although I noticed it.
Cutting the onion releases a "tang", but doesn't that imply a taste (before you have tasted it)? Some word that means "aroma" would be better.
I agree that "grey mulch" didn't make much sense.
In closing, I just want to say that it is important to be true to the music in your head. Your original first stanza was more musical and interesting than the new one.