04-29-2014, 08:17 PM
Tom--sorry for the confusion. Here's a quick edit. I'll be more comprehensive soon.
The Onion
Revision 1
I lean, palms pressed upon cool marble,
over a book of your recipes
as dappled light filters to me
from leaves camouflaging the back field.
--the key word is "your"
--"back field" is hard to figure . . .
Dog-eared, well-thumbed,
inclined agin a rolling pin,
its precise phrasing instructs me
to peel and slice an onion.
--consider "to 'peel and slice an onion.'"
--these aren't instructions most recipes would give. They'd give the gauge of the chop--julienned, diced, minced--but I think you're cool to leave as is
Dropping the brown bulb
to the board, I'm awakened,
immediately, by the dead knock
of its weight on the wood.
--important! wood or marble?
I nick and strip its papery skin,
center, then split into two pale discs,
like morning suns.
Eclipsing one, I begin to dice.
--pretty. there's an ambiguity as to whether "its" or "I" is being split into two pale discs. I like it.
My dull blade chaws and stutters
through thick rotations, tearing layers
into one another and releasing
a keen earthy tang
--"a keen earthy tang" is not how I experience the sharp, acrid sulfur of a cut onion
that confronts and quickens-
then blurs my senses;
--you want two hyphs to make the dash
a concentrative furrowing
--concentrative isn't a word, so I take it to mean concentric-ative
that needles the very middle of the mind.
--I really want "my mind" vs "the mind"
But the sting subsides
as the diced flesh pops, spits
--I'd like the Oxford comma after spits
and sizzles in smoking oil,
simmering to golden translucent clarity,
--"clarity" is, somewhat ironically, a muddy image
liberating a sweet-savoury aroma
--in non-forum txt, you'll want an en-dash between sweet and savoury
that stimulates a deeply satisfying
insatiable hunger to understand something
--totally lost. satisfying vs insatiable makes me confused . . .
so much simpler and yet more accomplished than I.
--"so" is a cheat here. find a word that means "so much simpler"
The Onion
Revision 1
I lean, palms pressed upon cool marble,
over a book of your recipes
as dappled light filters to me
from leaves camouflaging the back field.
--the key word is "your"
--"back field" is hard to figure . . .
Dog-eared, well-thumbed,
inclined agin a rolling pin,
its precise phrasing instructs me
to peel and slice an onion.
--consider "to 'peel and slice an onion.'"
--these aren't instructions most recipes would give. They'd give the gauge of the chop--julienned, diced, minced--but I think you're cool to leave as is
Dropping the brown bulb
to the board, I'm awakened,
immediately, by the dead knock
of its weight on the wood.
--important! wood or marble?
I nick and strip its papery skin,
center, then split into two pale discs,
like morning suns.
Eclipsing one, I begin to dice.
--pretty. there's an ambiguity as to whether "its" or "I" is being split into two pale discs. I like it.
My dull blade chaws and stutters
through thick rotations, tearing layers
into one another and releasing
a keen earthy tang
--"a keen earthy tang" is not how I experience the sharp, acrid sulfur of a cut onion
that confronts and quickens-
then blurs my senses;
--you want two hyphs to make the dash
a concentrative furrowing
--concentrative isn't a word, so I take it to mean concentric-ative
that needles the very middle of the mind.
--I really want "my mind" vs "the mind"
But the sting subsides
as the diced flesh pops, spits
--I'd like the Oxford comma after spits
and sizzles in smoking oil,
simmering to golden translucent clarity,
--"clarity" is, somewhat ironically, a muddy image
liberating a sweet-savoury aroma
--in non-forum txt, you'll want an en-dash between sweet and savoury
that stimulates a deeply satisfying
insatiable hunger to understand something
--totally lost. satisfying vs insatiable makes me confused . . .
so much simpler and yet more accomplished than I.
--"so" is a cheat here. find a word that means "so much simpler"