04-28-2014, 10:39 AM
I'm already dead,
I'm just trying to rise now.
The wind surrounds me
and howls for my surrender.
I succumbed countless moons ago,
The world too bleak, my soul too meek. This first stanza feels very cut up, as in it doesn't seem to have a very fluid feel. The last line also feels a bit unnatural with that rhyme just thrown in there.
Landless peasants lived a life
I couldn't live
Their souls intact, their fight not crushed.
I mourn the lifeless body,
staggered across the seaside cliffs.
Laid upon the jagged rocks
like a sleeping tomb.
-But I still breathe. I thought you were "already dead"? This is a bit confusing, especially with the word "still"
the wind,
it swirls and
it howls
for my surrender.
Every move I make- This hyphen seems unnecessary
makes me colder,
but I still breathe.
I can't find any message to the reader. You don't convey any meaning or feeling with this poem and I find myself rather confused after reading it. The third stanzas seems to return to the first stanza in a way that makes it sound redundant. The main thing is that you lack progress in your poem. You don't seem to elaborate on any idea or feeling. My suggestion is to find what you want to say, what message you're trying to convey, and make that clearer in your poem. I think that once you do that, the poem will become much clearer itself.
I'm just trying to rise now.
The wind surrounds me
and howls for my surrender.
I succumbed countless moons ago,
The world too bleak, my soul too meek. This first stanza feels very cut up, as in it doesn't seem to have a very fluid feel. The last line also feels a bit unnatural with that rhyme just thrown in there.
Landless peasants lived a life
I couldn't live
Their souls intact, their fight not crushed.
I mourn the lifeless body,
staggered across the seaside cliffs.
Laid upon the jagged rocks
like a sleeping tomb.
-But I still breathe. I thought you were "already dead"? This is a bit confusing, especially with the word "still"
the wind,
it swirls and
it howls
for my surrender.
Every move I make- This hyphen seems unnecessary
makes me colder,
but I still breathe.
I can't find any message to the reader. You don't convey any meaning or feeling with this poem and I find myself rather confused after reading it. The third stanzas seems to return to the first stanza in a way that makes it sound redundant. The main thing is that you lack progress in your poem. You don't seem to elaborate on any idea or feeling. My suggestion is to find what you want to say, what message you're trying to convey, and make that clearer in your poem. I think that once you do that, the poem will become much clearer itself.