04-28-2014, 01:31 AM
Hi, AWBH. The first line of the poem should not be there, it is telling me too much, the poem after reading it should be delivering the "nostalgia". Nostalgia, or anything to do with it "With empathy I pulled over to get a look" should be mentioned.
The use of "rubber" did not work for me, I do not think of "rubber" as being "snapabble"
in the way the situation implies.
The use of "constricted" line 2 verse 2, seems out of place to describe the trees branches before it fell.
Check your modifiers, the use of "husky" before "branches" seems odd to me, I would accept "dark"
Another one would have been "fresh" before "sap". There are others.
"Rocks" do not blow up as "grenades" do, so that line did not work for me.
"skylines" skyline.
There are lots more within the poem to "double-check".
I liked the ending verse, that returned me to the storm in an imaginative way. To have this ending is a bonus to work up to.
I would consider condensing the piece quite a lot.
JG
The use of "rubber" did not work for me, I do not think of "rubber" as being "snapabble"
in the way the situation implies.
The use of "constricted" line 2 verse 2, seems out of place to describe the trees branches before it fell.
Check your modifiers, the use of "husky" before "branches" seems odd to me, I would accept "dark"
Another one would have been "fresh" before "sap". There are others.
"Rocks" do not blow up as "grenades" do, so that line did not work for me.
"skylines" skyline.
There are lots more within the poem to "double-check".
I liked the ending verse, that returned me to the storm in an imaginative way. To have this ending is a bonus to work up to.
I would consider condensing the piece quite a lot.
JG