04-23-2014, 07:32 AM
Edit 3
I’ll lay my breath close to mother's cheek,
my back curves naturally to earth's will,
my thoughts, lost amongst the stars,
(like) scars of moments long passed,
given up to questions never asked
As I risk breath, in and then out,
I’m left with little doubt
that 'real love' (omit ' ', not necessary) is not set aside for the gods,
but set in rust, hearts and blood, (what does rust represent? an old car engine? throws me off a bit, if you are alluding to the natural aging of things, perhaps dust would be better)
it is the great I Am and without it we are not (I think you should keep the plural we and not change it as you did in the previous post)
Clever imagery and very heartfelt, however I feel like you should consider a new way of expressing laying on the ground as "mother's cheek" because it throws off the concept of the poem, which has nothing to do with your mother.
I’ll lay my breath close to mother's cheek,
my back curves naturally to earth's will,
my thoughts, lost amongst the stars,
(like) scars of moments long passed,
given up to questions never asked
As I risk breath, in and then out,
I’m left with little doubt
that 'real love' (omit ' ', not necessary) is not set aside for the gods,
but set in rust, hearts and blood, (what does rust represent? an old car engine? throws me off a bit, if you are alluding to the natural aging of things, perhaps dust would be better)
it is the great I Am and without it we are not (I think you should keep the plural we and not change it as you did in the previous post)
Clever imagery and very heartfelt, however I feel like you should consider a new way of expressing laying on the ground as "mother's cheek" because it throws off the concept of the poem, which has nothing to do with your mother.