I Do Not Miss the Time That I Have Lost

[alatos]

I do not miss the time that I have lost
forever, looking in your playful eyes –
it’s better spent on something worth the cost
of living than to waste, to patronize
my heart with dollar signs. Then, you left me.
I wonder what I did so wrong! The tears
I cry at night, alone: are they the fee
you charge for love? They’ll haunt me through the years.


I do not miss the time that I have lost
forever, looking in your playful eyes – (Self-explanatory - I don't miss the time that I spent looking into your eyes, even though I can never get it back)
it’s better spent on something worth the cost
of living than to waste, to patronize
my heart with dollar signs. (At least I spent that time on something worth it (looking in your eyes). I could have wasted it making money (or anything else, really) Then, you left me.
I wonder what I did so wrong! The tears
I cry at night, alone: are they the fee
you charge for love? They’ll haunt me through the years. (Is sadness the charge for loving you? The sadness (and the tears) will never leave me

[cidermaid]

Hi altos,
Just a friendly reminder:- A quick look through your total thread to post ratio is quite revealing. Don't forget to offer other poets some crit - it is what makes the site work and is only fair to everyone.

[just mercedes]

I like the rhyme and meter, and the enjambment is well done - but you've reached the envoi for your sonnet, where are the final six lines?

I do not miss the time that I have lost
forever, looking in your playful eyes – [playful? for me, it doesn't really fit with patronising]
it’s better spent on something worth the cost
of living than to waste, to patronize
my heart with dollar signs. Then, you left me.[the money came in suddenly, seems intrusive to the tone of the poem somehow]
I wonder what I did so wrong! The tears
I cry at night, alone: are they the fee
you charge for love? They’ll haunt me through the years.[they - meaning the tears? Isn't it her eyes that will haunt you?]

[Erthona]

There is both good and bad here. At the best it reminds me of "Rumi",

"I do not miss the time that I have lost
forever, looking in your playful eyes "

at the worst is such things as the forced rhyme of "patronize".


dale

[alatos]

I like the rhyme and meter, and the enjambment is well done - but you've reached the envoi for your sonnet, where are the final six lines?

I do not miss the time that I have lost
forever, looking in your playful eyes – [playful? for me, it doesn't really fit with patronising]
it’s better spent on something worth the cost
of living than to waste, to patronize
my heart with dollar signs. Then, you left me.[the money came in suddenly, seems intrusive to the tone of the poem somehow]
I wonder what I did so wrong! The tears
I cry at night, alone: are they the fee
you charge for love? They’ll haunt me through the years.[they - meaning the tears? Isn't it her eyes that will haunt you?]

I thought I would have it end abruptly symbolically. I tried to keep a constant theme throughout the poem: lost, worth the cost, waste, dollar signs, fee, charge... but I guess it wasn't as cohesive as I thought.

[micpschm]

I do not miss the time that I have lost
forever, looking in your playful eyes –
it’s better spent on something worth the cost
of living than to waste, to patronize
my heart with dollar signs. Then, you left me.
I wonder what I did so wrong! The tears
I cry at night, alone: are they the fee
you charge for love? They’ll haunt me through the years.


I do not miss the time that I have lost
forever, looking in your playful eyes – (Self-explanatory - I don't miss the time that I spent looking into your eyes, even though I can never get it back)
it’s better spent on something worth the cost
of living than to waste, to patronize
my heart with dollar signs. (At least I spent that time on something worth it (looking in your eyes). I could have wasted it making money (or anything else, really) Then, you left me.
I wonder what I did so wrong! The tears
I cry at night, alone: are they the fee
you charge for love? They’ll haunt me through the years. (Is sadness the charge for loving you? The sadness (and the tears) will never leave me

I understand the theme of cost throughout the poem but I do not think "dollar signs" works in that line of the poem. I suppose because throughout the poem is an emotional cost and dollar signs is more of a quantifiable cost.

[aniketk]

I find it a bit complicated. Not an easy read. This only personal opinion. I am new to the forums.

[Mopkins]

I liked your first two opening lines – good meter there and throughout - bit unsure about’ worth the cost/of living’ – looks like two tired old phrases rolled into one. Haunt me through the years is also a bit old...

‘ patronize my heart with dollar signs‘ doesn’t make much sense to me – that’s like saying patronize with a capital letter or patronize with punctuation... ‘ patronize/my heart with lesser things.’ or something similar may be an improvement.
You seem to have a tense problem – the poem starts out present tense ‘i do not’ then jumps to past tense “then you left me’ then back to present tense ‘I wonder’ You could fix this by changing ‘then you left me’ to something like ‘But you left me’.

Besides that, I enjoyed it – good meter and a nice image in the opening lines.

[Am I A Poet?]

Hi alatos, I enjoyed your basic money theme, but felt that perhaps they suggest the narrative voice to be homo economicus (Economic Man, concerned with things only in terms of economic profit in all forms of existence) to such an extent that, in my eyes, your view of true love is subtly undermined. While it has the potential for genius irony in a poem, I'm not sure if it is intentional and if it is supported by the rest of your poem.

I did, however, find your word structure, punctuation and line breaks to be very effective here:

"it’s better spent on something worth the cost
of living than to waste, to patronize
my heart with dollar signs. Then, you left me."

The enjambment of the first two lines adds to the abruptness of your caesura, and the comma in "Then, you left me" resonated with me when I read it out loud. I tried reading it without the comma, and the phrase sounded too detached from its temporaneous essence which is so striking about it and indicates the change in the poem's emphasis. While I agree with Mopkins that you have a tense issue, "Then" seems such a good divider of ideas to me that I would be loathe to part with it without a better substitute than "But".

[AnywherebutHere]

I do not like that exclamation mark, it does not fit well.

[Gestalt222]

I Do Not Miss the Time That I Have Lost
I do not miss the time that I have lost
forever, looking in(into) your playful eyes –
it’s better spent on something worth the cost (I think phrasing it being akin to time lost rather than cost would be more appropriate)
of living than to waste, to patronize
my heart with dollar signs.(dollar signs is somewhat of a tacky symbol, be a bit more creative here) Then, you left me.
I wonder what I did so wrong! The tears
I cry at night, alone: are they the fee
you charge for love? (I think you should get rid of the cost idea, it doesn't work)They’ll haunt me through the years.

This poem is a bit simple in its concept, someone used you for money, and you regret the time lost. However you literally said it just as I did, rather than using creative symbols/imagery. It wasn't heartfelt in its execution.