04-23-2014, 05:12 AM
(04-21-2014, 10:10 PM)Mopkins Wrote: The Autumn Wind
Scorpio curious, this autumn air
that winds and whirls in mating dance
around the crimsoned tree blushing The grammar here makes it sound like the wind is blushing, you do mean the tree, right?
at the change of season
and her desire to loosen clothes. I see a gender shift through the first and second stanzas, which is a little confusing when attributed to a solitary entity.
Swift and amorous the boyish bluster
gothically tears through the maple’s dress,
throws the pieces to the ground.
Touches the naked twigs
embraces branches bending
with the onslaught of his love. I love the concept here. In summer the trees are clothed with leaves, come fall they are stripped nude.
This is the first time I have read a poem that gives the Autumn wind an erotic connotation. I would honestly expect the spring wind to be given erotic appeal, since spring is the time of new birth, flowering, and general mischief. However, fall is the time when farm animals are usually penned together, so the babies will be born in spring.
The inversion in this poem actually contributes to it. If you wrote, "This autumn air, Scorpio curious," then reading the poem would be more syllable by syllable than lyrical. As it stands, using inversion to build up intensity and action as the stanzas go on give it a rushing, windy, lyrical feel.
Some of the word choices seem arbritrary. In line three, "tree" would be better served by "leaves". This creates the image of luscious red leaves shimmering saucily in the wind. I had to read "crimsoned tree" a few times to get the image in my mind. In the second stanza, what is "gothically" supposed to mean? Are you accusing Goths of being rabid dress-tearers? In the final line, "onslaught" is surprisingly rough. It takes the imagery from serene passion to violent roughness.
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line