skyscraper

[milo]

Looking for some criticism/feedback on this piece! First post ever in Pigpen PS, I do tend to write free verse/no caps style, but if it ever feels like it doesn't work, please tell me!

This is Version #2. Thanks Leanne!


skyscraper

felt strong and weak
like something of a spirit
walking between the lines of
yes i do and no i don't

I feel "something of" weakens the statement with no purpose. The simile falls flat because it compares something we can relate too (however weakly) - strong and weak - to something we can't - something of a spirit. A good simile should do the opposite. Even reversed it would be better - I felt like something of a spirit, both strong and weak - though it still wouldn't be great. I sense the indecision of "yes I do" and "no I don't" but because these are specific statements I expect resolution of them within the poem.

felt like a skyscraper
among all the other concrete mountains
blending in, sticking out
windows open, blinds shut
walls untouched by rain, but
the water still falls in through the gaping frames
and onto the floor
seeping into the surface in patterns of
yes i do and no i don't

This strophe is far more interesting than the first. Interesting enough for me to suggest scrapping the first entirely. The rhythm is both effortless and pleasant. I am interested enough in the usage of a frequent symbol of strength and power (skyscraper) as a symbol for indecision and waffling to want to read through for resolution. Unfortunately, I don't think you ever really do resolve the usage to satisfaction which may be the biggest weakness in the poem.

I don't think concrete mountains will ever be successful here due to the inaccurate image but it was an interesting attempt. The "gaping frames" doesn't really work for me. I heard once that none of the windows in skyscrapers actually open which could be a concern here.

felt like a city among many
like one of thousands
like the only one with my mind wide open
like the only one thinking
real thoughts

"Wide" doesn't in any way chamouflage the cliche of open mind. "Only one thinking real thoughts" is decidedly weak and abstract.

my real thoughts
have not yet been made material
are they still real?
yes they are or no they're not

all i really want
is an answer

The ending is much weaker than the rest. I understand the need to connect back to the narrator but statements like "real thoughts" and "are they still real" are vague and trite.

Promising work so far. Thanks for posting. Good luck with it.