04-19-2014, 08:32 PM
Hello, RSaba, for me there is too much padding within the poem.
You use the word "likes" too many times for me, IMHO they are not needed to get the point across. See the poem below.
In a Station of the Metro
The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
petals on a wet, black bough.
Ezra Pound
You could experiment with bringing the poem into the present tense.
Lines like "something of a spirit" are an abstraction that bring nothing to the poem.
feel strong and weak
walking the lines
between
yes i do and no i don't
I tried to leave "white space" in "between" the "yes i do and "no i don't. It will not let me for some reason, but I thought this would enhance the line.
The "concrete mountains" do not work for me, I can think of a much
better image that can be inserted there that blends seamlessly, with line 3 of the verse. I will leave you to think about that section.
I really like,
blending in, sticking out
windows open, blinds shut
walls untouched by rain.
Hope some of this post helps. JG
You use the word "likes" too many times for me, IMHO they are not needed to get the point across. See the poem below.
In a Station of the Metro
The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
petals on a wet, black bough.
Ezra Pound
You could experiment with bringing the poem into the present tense.
Lines like "something of a spirit" are an abstraction that bring nothing to the poem.
feel strong and weak
walking the lines
between
yes i do and no i don't
I tried to leave "white space" in "between" the "yes i do and "no i don't. It will not let me for some reason, but I thought this would enhance the line.
The "concrete mountains" do not work for me, I can think of a much
better image that can be inserted there that blends seamlessly, with line 3 of the verse. I will leave you to think about that section.
I really like,
blending in, sticking out
windows open, blinds shut
walls untouched by rain.
Hope some of this post helps. JG