skyscraper

[tectak]

Looking for some criticism/feedback on this piece! First post ever in Pigpen PS, I do tend to write free verse/no caps style, but if it ever feels like it doesn't work, please tell me!

This is Version #2. Thanks Leanne!


skyscraper

felt strong and weak
like something of a spirit
walking between the lines of
yes i do and no i don't

felt like a skyscraper
among all the other concrete mountains
blending in, sticking out
windows open, blinds shut
walls untouched by rain, but
the water still falls in through the gaping frames
and onto the floor
seeping into the surface in patterns of
yes i do and no i don't

felt like a city among many
like one of thousands
like the only one with my mind wide open
like the only one thinking
real thoughts

my real thoughts
have not yet been made material
are they still real?
yes they are or no they're not

all i really want
is an answer

This is the original version:

skyscraper

felt strong and weak
like a paradoxical spirit
walking between the lines of
yes i do and no i don't

felt like a skyscraper
among all the other concrete mountains
blending in, sticking out
windows open, blinds shut
walls untouched by rain, but
the water still falls in through the gaping frames
and onto the floor
seeping into the surface in patterns of
yes i do and no i don't

felt like a city among many
like one among thousands
like the only one with my mind cut open
like the only one thinking
real thoughts

my real thoughts
have not yet been made material
are they still real?
yes they are or no they're not

all i'm really looking for
is an answer

Welcome Rsaba,
...and particulary welcome to the Serious Workshopping forum...this is where you should be.
Lots been said already and so I will wheel out my old cart full of pedantic platitudes and wheel it straight back in again. As I am fond of saying "Punctuation matters except when it doesn't"...and it doesn't here. Why? Because of the intent and consistency...the execution of this piece is stylish and deliberate. There are some bits where surreality takes over ..."strong and weak" is troublesome to me because I can sense what you mean but don't get enough reality from the words. Similarly, "like something of a spirit (walking)" has the same issue of not quite ringing true...as if you nearly said it another way but decided something of a spirit made sense to you. It doesn't to me but no matter because this is holistic verse which needs to be read n the round...which I have.
I loved the run on similes...always makes me think they should be called "simplies" because of the clarity which they impose.Just one nit, though, the simply expressed "comparitive" idea can lead to disconnects of syntactical intent and it happened here. You begin by "feeling like a city among many" and supplement the simile with "like one among thousands(of cities. Implied) Because of sans-punctuation, you need the words to keep the reader with you. Disconnect. Suddenly, in a single line, in the same stanza, with no instruction to the reader...you switch to "like the only one with my mind cut open" We are now emo not concrete. Splat!..and on you go...but that is the lot...this is me liking it.
Very nicely done.
Best,
tectak