skyscraper

[billy]

i see you already left a lot of feedback elsewhere, thanks for understanding how a workshop should work. ><

the lack of punctuation works here, maybe a cap to start., the question mark acts as a period at the end...but how you've laid it out does work

Looking for some criticism/feedback on this piece! First post ever in Pigpen PS, I do tend to write free verse/no caps style, but if it ever feels like it doesn't work, please tell me!

This is Version #2. Thanks Leanne!


skyscraper

felt strong and weak is [felt] needed as you have a better use of the word in the next stanzaz
like something of a spirit
walking between the lines of is [the] needed?
yes i do and no i don't

felt like a skyscraper
among all the other concrete mountains
blending in, sticking out
windows open, blinds shut
walls untouched by rain, but these two line work well together with the W's and end rhymes, even though the poem isn't a rhyming one it reads very smoothly
the water still falls in through the gaping frames
and onto the floor is and needed
seeping into the surface in patterns of
yes i do and no i don't the refrain works well for me.

felt like a city among many
like one of thousands
like the only one with my mind wide open
like the only one thinking
real thoughts not to keen on the 2nd likes, this stanza feels more positive than the rest, as though the 1st person understands more they're more sure of themselves.

my real thoughts
have not yet been made material nice M's
are they still real?
yes they are or no they're not and then they fall back into uncertainty

all i really want
is an answer

there's a dichotomy at play, a truth known of but lost. it was a very easy read. i'm glad you never used the word jungle thanks for the read