skyscraper

[Todd]

Hi RSaba, welcome to the site!

I quite like this. Here are some comments for you on the revision:

Looking for some criticism/feedback on this piece! First post ever in Pigpen PS, I do tend to write free verse/no caps style, but if it ever feels like it doesn't work, please tell me!

This is Version #2. Thanks Leanne!


skyscraper

felt strong and weak
like something of a spirit--This opening is close to working I think but I'm not really getting how strong and weak fits this simile. I think you need to work it some more
walking between the lines of--Not a fan of this break, but I can live with it if you have no other way to set your refrain. Of is a weak word to end the line with though.
yes i do and no i don't--as much as I pointed out issues with the opening the yes/no refrain fits strong and weak nicely which makes me think my issue is with the second line and the simile--needs a better image perhaps

felt like a skyscraper--Redundant with the title perhaps some substitute for skyscraper here
among all the other concrete mountains--Love concrete mountains
blending in, sticking out
windows open, blinds shut--I like that these two lines mean what they mean and also point to the speakers approach to life or how their interactions are with people
walls untouched by rain, but--again not a fan of this break either. I find rain and water a bit redundant here better economy might be setting off untouched better in the line to set of the inside outside dichotomy of the speaker. They appear untouched by outwardly but inwardly there is a downpour. If the line emphasized untouched better maybe simply "walls untouched" next line "but the rain still falls... etc. Just a thought
the water still falls in through the gaping frames
and onto the floor
seeping into the surface in patterns of
yes i do and no i don't

felt like a city among many
like one of thousands
like the only one with my mind wide open
like the only one thinking
real thoughts--No real issues with this. The crowd is an illusion. For me, this strophe is good content.

my real thoughts
have not yet been made material
are they still real?
yes they are or no they're not

all i really want
is an answer

You have some nice things going on here. I hope the comments help. Use or ignore as you see fit.

Best,

Todd