The Kids Ain't Alright (Formerly Scoop Him Up) edit #2.1

[ellajam]

For me it's still that journey from sweet to sour that jars - the picture of the kid so likeable, yet the narrator is so harsh and judgmental about the parents - and only really offers materialist/superficial reasons for why they are bad parents.

I like that 'reclaim' picks up on 'repossessed', but I wonder if filled or littered would work better than 'emptied'.

Hi Jeremy, thanks for stopping back, your response is very interesting to me. I can live with the poem being jarring, the situation is. While I am a bit disappointed that it didn't come through as less harsh in the edit, I think that may be as far as this poem will go. The parents are currently unable to focus on their roles as parents, does it matter why? Will fleshing out the details of how they reached this point make a difference? Will the situation change even if they are blameless?

I may have to leave it there, thanks for pushing me to think about it.

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edit #2.1 The Kids Ain't Alright (Chris)

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

Iced-over snow blocks
the front door and fills the empty
driveway, mustang and jeep repossessed.
Young parents bitterly blame
each other, quick to reclaim their worn
out party shoes; but what glitters is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love for him as they flee
their mess. He runs wild and screams
demands, mimicking his heroes.

edit #2 The Kids Ain't Alright

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

Iced-over snow blocks
the front door, fills
the driveway emptied
of repossessed jeeps and mustangs.
Young parents bitterly blame
each other, quick to reclaim their worn
out party shoes; but what glitters is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love for him as they flee
their mess. He runs wild and screams
demands, mimicking his heroes.


edit #1 One Boy

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.
Unshoveled snow blocks
the doorway, fills the driveway emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes.

Original Scoop Him Up

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught.

Poem progression is always a fascinating process to watch. My three cents: word choices - "crooked curtain" while nicely alliterative is visually odd to me. Curtains are cloth. Can they be crooked? "squashed" connotes something else is there doing the squashing. Also odd. The snow would logically be "unshoveled" if it were blocking the door. This is redundant. I do understand the image of "abandonment" but the house is really not abandoned at the end so again, logically, the word choice doesn't fit. There is a big difference in meaning between "taught" and "learned"....which one do you mean here? The parents are gone. The kid remains. Who has done the teaching and who has been taught? Not sure of the message at the end.

The "idea" of this poem is cool. The progression is even more cool. I am enjoying the process from afar.

Hi, 71, thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.

That poor crooked curtain, no one believes it. It actually sags in the middle, I don't want to leave it looking correct, I'll think of something.

He squashes his nose against the pane because it's funny, I'll think on it.

I've already abandoned abandoned, unshoveled, and taught, most recent edit on top.

Again, thanks for the notes, they are appreciated.