The Kids Ain't Alright (Formerly Scoop Him Up) edit #2.1

[ChristopherSea]

edit #2 The Kids Ain't Alright

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

Iced-over snow blocks
the front door, fills
the driveway emptied
of repossessed jeeps and mustangs.
Young parents bitterly blame
each other, quick to reclaim their worn
out party shoes; but what glitters is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love for him as they flee
their mess. He runs wild and screams
demands, mimicking his heroes.


edit #1 One Boy

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.
Unshoveled snow blocks
the doorway, fills the driveway emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes.

Original Scoop Him Up

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught.

Marcella, Does the title refer to the parents or the child? If child, then 'Kid ain't alright' would be better to focus on the one and not others suffering the same fate. The same goes for the 'jeeps' and 'mustangs', 'jeep' and 'mustang', unless they had more than one of each. A line break after 'glitters' might be more intriguing. The ending's seemingly contradiction with the kiss/love, do you need that? Why not something like: They leave him with grandma, casting away love as they flee (or something along those lines). In the final line, 'thoroughly' may be overkill. It denotes purposeful teaching. '...as taught' would be simpler and may come off more poignant, at least in my eye. See what you think. Thanks for the post./Chris