Phantom
#6
a good effort at the sonnet. i struggled a little in places but overall it was okay. more than okay. the first line set the poem up as the unexpected summer storm. the phantom girl at the end tied the poem to the title though she was the drum role of the poem she sort of didn't play a big enough role. it was an enjoyable read and doesn't need too much of edit



(03-26-2014, 02:48 AM)alatos Wrote:  As sun-burnt masses scurried to their cars,
the black front thundered towards the emptied shore; a suggest would be to instead of toward which should sort the meter out
the lightning tore ionic, jagged scars this line had to be said a few times, i wounder if different punctuation would help [tore ionic-jagged scars] i'd also suggest and instead of the at the beginning of the line
across the sky above the sea-side moor. good line, i normally associate moor with grasslands etc.
A darkness drawn by winds and cast by clouds
had thrown its witching shadow on the sands;
it drove away the sunshine and the crowds,
and stormed the castles built with tiny hands. a suggest would be [then] to start the line so as not to have two consecutive and's

And there I saw her, standing in the tide
that sprayed and pulled and swirled around her feet.
She turned to me and smiled. Something less, half a foot short
maybe more, than human electrified i'm struggling with the meter here, a suggest is [maybe more human had electrified] not sure if it's any better.
my heart within those eyes: it skipped a beat…
a phantom in a yellow summer dress.
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Messages In This Thread
Phantom - by alatos - 03-26-2014, 02:48 AM
RE: Phantom - by Wilx - 03-26-2014, 09:31 AM
RE: Phantom - by Leanne - 03-26-2014, 11:23 AM
RE: Phantom - by Erthona - 03-26-2014, 12:45 PM
RE: Phantom - by alatos - 03-26-2014, 01:02 PM
RE: Phantom - by billy - 03-26-2014, 07:57 PM
RE: Phantom - by Carousal - 03-26-2014, 08:48 PM
RE: Phantom - by alatos - 03-26-2014, 10:58 PM
RE: Phantom - by billy - 03-27-2014, 12:36 AM
RE: Phantom - by ThePinsir - 03-28-2014, 10:30 PM



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