Phantom

[alatos]

alatos,

This makes no sense to me "the lightning tore ionic", is this supposed to be an allusion to Ionia? Or do you mean that lightening tore ionized jagged scars..." - Lightning is caused by ions

Instead of saying "the black front thundered towards the emptied shore;" why not something like

"black clouds boiled towards the..." - I chose the verb 'thundered' because they are both figuratively thundering forward, and literally thundering

Then "A darkness drawn by winds" Darkness cannot be drawn by winds. Dark clouds can be pushed by winds. - of course literally speaking. I mean darkness can't be pushed or pulled or really manipulated at all as far as I know.... but watching the darkness fall from an oncoming storm across the beach, which I have done quite a few times, I've often felt like it's being pulled behind the wind. The wind comes first, and you can watch a line of shadows being 'drug along' behind them.

It seems like about every line your word usage is off. It's like my kid who says "on mistake" and "by purpose". English is very idiomatic, and when you get one wrong it sticks out like a sore thumb. Most of your problem seem related to idioms. Mostly just small things. Like "I saw her, standing in the tide". The tide is the height of the water in relation to the beach, it's height increases or decreases over a 12 hour period. What I think you are really trying to describe is the action of the waves. - tide also refers to the movement of the water as it is flowing or ebbing.

I saw her standing in the sea as the receding waves pulled at her,
coming back they sprayed her, then submissively swirled around her feet.

Of course if "sun-burnt masses scurried to their cars" she would probably be getting knocked down by the 12 foot waves that were coming in on the storm surge. - it is only a thunderstorm that I'm describing, not a hurricane

As this is the section it is, I think that is all I better comment on, but I think you really need to look at idiomatic usage in English as it seems one of your main stumbling blocks.

Dale

Thanks for your time and advice. It's appreciated