Phantom
#4
alatos,

This makes no sense to me "the lightning tore ionic", is this supposed to be an allusion to Ionia? Or do you mean that lightening tore ionized jagged scars..."

Instead of saying "the black front thundered towards the emptied shore;" why not something like

"black clouds boiled towards the..."

Then "A darkness drawn by winds" Darkness cannot be drawn by winds. Dark clouds can be pushed by winds.

It seems like about every line your word usage is off. It's like my kid who says "on mistake" and "by purpose". English is very idiomatic, and when you get one wrong it sticks out like a sore thumb. Most of your problem seem related to idioms. Mostly just small things. Like "I saw her, standing in the tide". The tide is the height of the water in relation to the beach, it's height increases or decreases over a 12 hour period. What I think you are really trying to describe is the action of the waves.

I saw her standing in the sea as the receding waves pulled at her,
coming back they sprayed her, then submissively swirled around her feet.

Of course if "sun-burnt masses scurried to their cars" she would probably be getting knocked down by the 12 foot waves that were coming in on the storm surge.

As this is the section it is, I think that is all I better comment on, but I think you really need to look at idiomatic usage in English as it seems one of your main stumbling blocks.

Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Messages In This Thread
Phantom - by alatos - 03-26-2014, 02:48 AM
RE: Phantom - by Wilx - 03-26-2014, 09:31 AM
RE: Phantom - by Leanne - 03-26-2014, 11:23 AM
RE: Phantom - by Erthona - 03-26-2014, 12:45 PM
RE: Phantom - by alatos - 03-26-2014, 01:02 PM
RE: Phantom - by billy - 03-26-2014, 07:57 PM
RE: Phantom - by Carousal - 03-26-2014, 08:48 PM
RE: Phantom - by alatos - 03-26-2014, 10:58 PM
RE: Phantom - by billy - 03-27-2014, 12:36 AM
RE: Phantom - by ThePinsir - 03-28-2014, 10:30 PM



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