03-08-2014, 07:55 AM
I find the title problematic, as you are not standing at a lonely concourse, you are progressing through an airport.
Spat from the shuttle bus first three lines are very strong, particularly spat
clutching an unwanted ticket
for an unchosen destination.
Two terminals between us Not sure about the next three lines, too maudlin, you say goodbye to quickly.
and oceans of sky.
No courage mustered for the final goodbye.
Your colour dimming now Not sure about this verse, it's a bit lovesick teen.
bleached by the pallid grey
of neon fluorescence and linoleum.
No solace or sympathy found
in transient faces Noticed this rhyming scheme matched the first verse.
obliviously headed for faraway places.
Aimlessly searching For me this is where the poem picked up
for direction in directionless signs
and absently obeying orders
from unseen voices; But the rhyme scheme breaks down.
relieved for once
to be absolved of trying choices.
Snailing queues These three lines are very good
past traveller's trappings,
fragrance and books and chocolate and news.
"Do you have checked baggage? And this is where I think the heart of the poem should be
Did you pack this bag yourself?" If the title has a meaning.
All I have to carry
I carry on myself. Maybe a reference here to Oscar Wilde - 'I have nothing to declare but my genius.'
Egg boxed Egg box seat would do.
in a comfortless seat
seeing only sideways
while staring straight ahead
and leaning backwards
into what-if's and insteads. back to the rhyme.
Click and clank and clunk good aliteration
clouds are broken
wheels are up.
"Do you have anything else to declare?" This needs to be said to the security official earlier.
Only that until the end
I will always care
for my complicated lover
and the simplest of any friend.
I think there is a good poem in here, but it needs to actually be standing at a lonely concourse.
Indeed were to be focused at the security gate, and the love stuff internalized - you have the potential for the main character of the poem to be arrested as a terrorist - particular if when asked if he packed the bags, he says his is heart is about to explode - or whatever - he's moody, distracted, all the things that supposedly makes you a suspect - ok that's my flight of fancy - but the poem does need to stand still, or at least be pushed about and jostled by those around them at the airport.
And it is problematic to set out a meter and rhyming scheme in the first two verses, and then drop, and kind of pick it up again, and move it around.
Spat from the shuttle bus first three lines are very strong, particularly spat
clutching an unwanted ticket
for an unchosen destination.
Two terminals between us Not sure about the next three lines, too maudlin, you say goodbye to quickly.
and oceans of sky.
No courage mustered for the final goodbye.
Your colour dimming now Not sure about this verse, it's a bit lovesick teen.
bleached by the pallid grey
of neon fluorescence and linoleum.
No solace or sympathy found
in transient faces Noticed this rhyming scheme matched the first verse.
obliviously headed for faraway places.
Aimlessly searching For me this is where the poem picked up
for direction in directionless signs
and absently obeying orders
from unseen voices; But the rhyme scheme breaks down.
relieved for once
to be absolved of trying choices.
Snailing queues These three lines are very good
past traveller's trappings,
fragrance and books and chocolate and news.
"Do you have checked baggage? And this is where I think the heart of the poem should be
Did you pack this bag yourself?" If the title has a meaning.
All I have to carry
I carry on myself. Maybe a reference here to Oscar Wilde - 'I have nothing to declare but my genius.'
Egg boxed Egg box seat would do.
in a comfortless seat
seeing only sideways
while staring straight ahead
and leaning backwards
into what-if's and insteads. back to the rhyme.
Click and clank and clunk good aliteration
clouds are broken
wheels are up.
"Do you have anything else to declare?" This needs to be said to the security official earlier.
Only that until the end
I will always care
for my complicated lover
and the simplest of any friend.
I think there is a good poem in here, but it needs to actually be standing at a lonely concourse.
Indeed were to be focused at the security gate, and the love stuff internalized - you have the potential for the main character of the poem to be arrested as a terrorist - particular if when asked if he packed the bags, he says his is heart is about to explode - or whatever - he's moody, distracted, all the things that supposedly makes you a suspect - ok that's my flight of fancy - but the poem does need to stand still, or at least be pushed about and jostled by those around them at the airport.
And it is problematic to set out a meter and rhyming scheme in the first two verses, and then drop, and kind of pick it up again, and move it around.