Spat from the shuttle bus
clutching an unwanted ticket
for an unchosen destination.
Two terminals between us
and oceans of sky.
No courage mustered for the final goodbye.
Your colour dimming now
bleached by the pallid grey
of neon fluorescence and linoleum.
No solace or sympathy found
in transient faces
obliviously headed for faraway places.
Aimlessly searching
for direction in directionless signs
and absently obeying orders
from unseen voices;
relieved for once
to be absolved of trying choices.
Snailing queues
past traveller's trappings,
fragrance and books and chocolate and news.
"Do you have checked baggage?
Did you pack this bag yourself?"
All I have to carry
I carry on myself.
Egg boxed
in a comfortless seat
seeing only sideways
while staring straight ahead
and leaning backwards
into what-if's and insteads.
Click and clank and clunk
clouds are broken
wheels are up.
"Do you have anything else to declare?"
Only that until the end
I will always care
for my complicated lover
and the simplest of any friend.
Tom, I love the action herein and your characterization of airport hustle and hassle. My critique involves the use of this passage:
"Do you have checked baggage?
Did you pack this bag yourself?"
All I have to carry
I carry on myself.
It may be employed to set up the close or establish conversation deployment in the piece, but do you really need it? For me it inhibited the flow and rat race through the concourse.
Another observation is in regard to your answer to the question: "Do you have anything else to declare?" It begins with ‘Only’, that seems to weaken the strength of your significant declaration. Why not use an emphatic ‘Yes’? Also, the statement is a bit drawn out, slightly diluted and quasi-cliché with ‘until the end’, ‘will always’, ‘any.’ You may want to consider editing the line for brevity and poignancy. For purely example only, something like: ‘Yes, I miss my complicated lover and simplest friend.’ could serve you better. See what you think, should you consider editing.
Thank you for sharing a superior piece, I thoroughly enjoyed this one!/Chris
Hi, good one,
. Here are a few notes.
(03-07-2014, 03:19 PM)tomoffing Wrote: [ -> ]Spat from the shuttle bus Fine, clear opening three lines
clutching an unwanted ticket
for an unchosen destination.
Two terminals between us
and oceans of sky.
No courage mustered for the final goodbye. I'm assuming death here
Your colour dimming now I'm not sure who "you" is.
bleached by the pallid grey
of neon fluorescence and linoleum.
No solace or sympathy found
in transient faces
obliviously headed for faraway places. I don't know that you need "obviously", but a clear, cold airport view.
Aimlessly searching
for direction in directionless signs
and absently obeying orders
from unseen voices;
relieved for once
to be absolved of trying choices. Again, well done, I could lose "trying".
Snailing queues
past traveller's trappings,
fragrance and books and chocolate and news.
"Do you have checked baggage? I like these lines, when all around us is wahwahwah
Did you pack this bag yourself?"
All I have to carry
I carry on myself.
Egg boxed
in a comfortless seat
seeing only sideways
while staring straight ahead
and leaning backwards
into what-if's and insteads. Well described how an unhappy airflight is the worst, trapped with one's own thoughts.
Click and clank and clunk
clouds are broken
wheels are up. The next line implies landed to me, wheels down?
"Do you have anything else to declare?"
Only that until the end
I will always care I like that you declare something, but the next two lines are a little clunky to me.
for my complicated lover
and the simplest of any friend.
All just thoughts while reading, you've done a great job bringing me on that forced trip, thanks for posting it.
(03-07-2014, 03:19 PM)tomoffing Wrote: [ -> ]Spat from the shuttle bus
clutching an unwanted ticket
for an unchosen destination.
Two terminals between us
and oceans of sky.
No courage mustered for the final goodbye.
Your colour dimming now
bleached by the pallid grey
of neon fluorescence and linoleum.
No solace or sympathy found
in transient faces
obliviously headed for faraway places.
Aimlessly searching
for direction in directionless signs
and absently obeying orders
from unseen voices;
relieved for once
to be absolved of trying choices.
Snailing queues
past traveller's trappings,
fragrance and books and chocolate and news.
"Do you have checked baggage?
Did you pack this bag yourself?"
All I have to carry
I carry on myself.
Egg boxed
in a comfortless seat
seeing only sideways
while staring straight ahead
and leaning backwards
into what-if's and insteads.
Click and clank and clunk
clouds are broken
wheels are up.
"Do you have anything else to declare?"
Only that until the end
I will always care
for my complicated lover
and the simplest of any friend.
"the" goodbye or "our" goodbye or even "my" goodbye. It's the little words that set up a poem...sometimes. I need something at the beginning for me to care about this person. I understand he's been spit out like so much chewed tobacco. I love "terminus" as a foreshadow. Pretty nit picky but why is the destination "unchosen" if he has a ticket? I get it but it lacks logic. Not much concrete (I guess what I'm saying is the first two stanzas are a maze of abstractions) except for a ticket and linoleum flooring. Not sure that's enough for me. Compare that to the 4th stanza (e.g. "fragrance and books and chocolate and news."). Now this puts me there.
When all is said and done I still don't know why this guy is such a sad-sack (sorry, I'm assuming narrator is "he"). Even w/all angst mustered, I am left with a simple "complicated" and "simple" friend. I would expect more bile based on the rest of the poem. It seems to me the poem is more about atmosphere then the relationship and I am disappointed that it isn't the other way around given the start. Favorite line: "Do you have anything to declare?" Boy, I was waiting for something really good. Still waiting.
I found this poem to be roomy and relaxed. The story it told was interesting and easy to follow with one exception. It may be just me but I wasn't sure if the reluctant traveler was leaving or going too. Was the friend at the departing airport or the two terminal away airport. Possibly some clarification. I enjoyed reading this.
Thanks
Chris
I find the title problematic, as you are not standing at a lonely concourse, you are progressing through an airport.
Spat from the shuttle bus first three lines are very strong, particularly spat
clutching an unwanted ticket
for an unchosen destination.
Two terminals between us Not sure about the next three lines, too maudlin, you say goodbye to quickly.
and oceans of sky.
No courage mustered for the final goodbye.
Your colour dimming now Not sure about this verse, it's a bit lovesick teen.
bleached by the pallid grey
of neon fluorescence and linoleum.
No solace or sympathy found
in transient faces Noticed this rhyming scheme matched the first verse.
obliviously headed for faraway places.
Aimlessly searching For me this is where the poem picked up
for direction in directionless signs
and absently obeying orders
from unseen voices; But the rhyme scheme breaks down.
relieved for once
to be absolved of trying choices.
Snailing queues These three lines are very good
past traveller's trappings,
fragrance and books and chocolate and news.
"Do you have checked baggage? And this is where I think the heart of the poem should be
Did you pack this bag yourself?" If the title has a meaning.
All I have to carry
I carry on myself. Maybe a reference here to Oscar Wilde - 'I have nothing to declare but my genius.'
Egg boxed Egg box seat would do.
in a comfortless seat
seeing only sideways
while staring straight ahead
and leaning backwards
into what-if's and insteads. back to the rhyme.
Click and clank and clunk good aliteration
clouds are broken
wheels are up.
"Do you have anything else to declare?" This needs to be said to the security official earlier.
Only that until the end
I will always care
for my complicated lover
and the simplest of any friend.
I think there is a good poem in here, but it needs to actually be standing at a lonely concourse.
Indeed were to be focused at the security gate, and the love stuff internalized - you have the potential for the main character of the poem to be arrested as a terrorist - particular if when asked if he packed the bags, he says his is heart is about to explode - or whatever - he's moody, distracted, all the things that supposedly makes you a suspect - ok that's my flight of fancy - but the poem does need to stand still, or at least be pushed about and jostled by those around them at the airport.
And it is problematic to set out a meter and rhyming scheme in the first two verses, and then drop, and kind of pick it up again, and move it around.