The Kids Ain't Alright (Formerly Scoop Him Up) edit #2.1

[ellajam]

Hey Ella,
Lovely piece. I missed this last time so have read just the edit. First and final stanzas in particular are great. Minor thoughts on the middle below.

Thanks
t

edit #1

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.
Unshoveled snow blocks blocks has a structural feel to it that conflicts with snow for me
the doorway, fills the driveway emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry self absorbed is a little abstract, you could try capturing this with the cries?
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming a little redundancy. Bitterly blaming each other maybe
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes.

Original

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught.

Hi, t, thanks for reading and taking the time to leave me some notes.

Two feet of frozen snow is indeed structural, it's insane not to move it before it solidifies. And I like the blocks break, but I'll examine it more closely.

Yes, self-absorbed not so good, they originally cried "Too young", which didn't work too well, but I agree a cry would be better.

Bitterly blaming is a lovely awful thing, thanks.

---

I like the edits.

Especially the line about the repossessed cars - a fine description of what isn't there.

There's something slightly awry in the tone in a parts - like the boy running wild - is he?

Kids can do that, be their lovely selves and then terrors under other circumstances, but maybe "running wild" is not the best way to say it, thanks.

Can you pinpoint the other spots where the tone seems off?

Thanks for you efforts with this.

---

edit #1

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane. Though "crooked" feels slightly extraneous, like it's there merely to beef up the meter, the verse as a whole is irresistably cute and sweet

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit. Surely they don't give a shit if they've abandoned it?
Unshoveled snow blocks
the doorway, fills the driveway Should a comma go here? emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt I'm going to assume this is a Led Zeppelin reference, and if it is, it's awesome Also, "worn out party shoes" is a nicely subtle image after the preceding bluntness in this verse.
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes. The personality shift in the boy, who previously seemed so playful and sweet, is a bit sudden, and maybe needs a longer poem to justify it, but the bleak message still shines through.

The setting and parents' characterisation are what's best about this poem. You have a knack for creating these wee portraits in words, which really comes across here. Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read

Great notes, thank you.

Crooked was put there to make sure the curtain wasn't attractive, I considered sagging, I'll think on it.

I tried swapping lines in S2, I don't think I did it successfully, thanks for highlighting that.

I don't think I need a longer poem to make sense of the boy's two sides, just better words.

Thanks for your kind words and your help, much appreciated.