The Kids Ain't Alright (Formerly Scoop Him Up) edit #2.1

[tomoffing]

Hey Ella,
Lovely piece. I missed this last time so have read just the edit. First and final stanzas in particular are great. Minor thoughts on the middle below.

Thanks
t

edit #1

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.
Unshoveled snow blocks blocks has a structural feel to it that conflicts with snow for me
the doorway, fills the driveway emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry self absorbed is a little abstract, you could try capturing this with the cries?
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming a little redundancy. Bitterly blaming each other maybe
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes.

Original

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught.