03-03-2014, 05:16 PM
Hi ella,
this is a sad one, but it also has a note of lightness to it and as such is well balanced as a life picture. Have a couple of thoughts to offer.
this is a sad one, but it also has a note of lightness to it and as such is well balanced as a life picture. Have a couple of thoughts to offer.
(03-01-2014, 10:47 PM)ellajam Wrote: His head pops up betweenI like this one a lot - thanks for the read. AJ.
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane. loved this whole stanza and wouldn't want anything changed - it is a bautiful picture
A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit. I would prefer the change of house to home to reinforce the referance to family life and also would suggest that you change the lines round to read. Think there might be some merit in changing the line length as well to mark the transition. But just a suggestion.
A home abandoned by anyone who gives a shit.
A foot of unshoveled snow blocks the doorway.
"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running. This stanza is not quite working. The meaning and image is in there but is has to be dug out. I would suggest working on the last two lines. I think selfish might lead the reader to the image of abandonement of responsibility and parenting that i read into this. (? Selfish and bitter they scarper...not sure this is right - just a suggestion to think around)
They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught. not a fan of thoroughly taught. Suggestions: taught on the knee?, no they did not love him enough (& cliche)...but something along this line would work better for me.