First shot at poetry
#4
Freedom of the mind escapes me or some variation of that idea might work.

on which I rely is overdoing it in the second line.

In the third line, it's stands for it is and that's not what you want.

The rest of it, you could try out different things. Right now, I just think it's better than it was, but could be much better.
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Messages In This Thread
First shot at poetry - by Bahdriel - 02-27-2014, 01:01 AM
RE: First shot at poetry - by rowens - 02-27-2014, 04:19 AM
RE: First shot at poetry - by Bahdriel - 02-27-2014, 05:22 AM
RE: First shot at poetry - by geoff - 02-27-2014, 11:27 AM
RE: First shot at poetry - by Bahdriel - 02-27-2014, 06:31 PM
RE: First shot at poetry - by rowens - 02-27-2014, 06:35 AM
RE: First shot at poetry - by ThePinsir - 02-27-2014, 11:34 PM
RE: First shot at poetry - by Bahdriel - 02-28-2014, 12:13 AM
RE: First shot at poetry - by rowens - 02-28-2014, 12:31 AM
RE: First shot at poetry - by Bahdriel - 02-28-2014, 01:34 AM
RE: First shot at poetry - by rowens - 02-28-2014, 05:13 AM



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