True Love
#5
(02-17-2014, 02:21 AM)Jae Mc Donnell Wrote:  
(02-16-2014, 11:59 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Jae, The opening two lines are lovely:

I’ll lay my breath close to mothers’ cheek,
my back curves naturally to earths' will,

but the next two are rather awkward. Perhaps you can rephrase 'my eyes set, then slip to scares'. Also, would they be merely 'moments' if they are etched in that mask? The mask comes off over-modified as well. Perhaps simply:

my eyes slip to trials passed,
incandescent marks on dusk's black mask.

Of course you need to adjust any changes for meter.

The close sounds really off with what looks like a 'Sam I Am' reversal. I am not certain of the meaning either, so I may be reading it wrong. Clarification may help

I hope there are some ideas for your next edit herein. Good luck with it. Cheers/Chris
ChristopherSea, thank you for the reply.
I've made an edit above and would love to know if you think it works
Oh, I love the edit! It adds a playful rhythm to the poem, like you don't know what's around each turn. I have trouble really feeling poetry that doesn't rhyme, but I can feel a sense of peace and calm in this one.
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line
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Messages In This Thread
True Love - by Jae Mc Donnell - 02-14-2014, 08:53 AM
RE: True Love - by ChristopherSea - 02-16-2014, 11:59 PM
RE: True Love - by Jae Mc Donnell - 02-17-2014, 02:21 AM
RE: True Love - by kindofahippy - 02-18-2014, 02:26 AM
RE: True Love - by denniswilson - 04-07-2014, 05:35 AM
RE: True Love - by California - 04-08-2014, 10:18 PM
RE: True Love - by Gestalt222 - 04-23-2014, 07:32 AM



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