02-16-2014, 11:59 PM
Jae, The opening two lines are lovely:
I’ll lay my breath close to mothers’ cheek,
my back curves naturally to earths' will,
but the next two are rather awkward. Perhaps you can rephrase 'my eyes set, then slip to scares'. Also, would they be merely 'moments' if they are etched in that mask? The mask comes off over-modified as well. Perhaps simply:
my eyes slip to trials passed,
incandescent marks on dusk's black mask.
Of course you need to adjust any changes for meter.
The close sounds really off with what looks like a 'Sam I Am' reversal. I am not certain of the meaning either, so I may be reading it wrong. Clarification may help
I hope there are some ideas for your next edit herein. Good luck with it. Cheers/Chris
I’ll lay my breath close to mothers’ cheek,
my back curves naturally to earths' will,
but the next two are rather awkward. Perhaps you can rephrase 'my eyes set, then slip to scares'. Also, would they be merely 'moments' if they are etched in that mask? The mask comes off over-modified as well. Perhaps simply:
my eyes slip to trials passed,
incandescent marks on dusk's black mask.
Of course you need to adjust any changes for meter.
The close sounds really off with what looks like a 'Sam I Am' reversal. I am not certain of the meaning either, so I may be reading it wrong. Clarification may help
I hope there are some ideas for your next edit herein. Good luck with it. Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris