02-13-2014, 12:20 AM
Thank you so much for the GREAT feedback! This is exactly what I needed to advance my skills. I will modify the poem and post here again. Thank you for taking the time to help me
So I modified this line
Guiding my actions
To this Guiding my actions like an ocean's tide
You are very right! The simile makes a big difference.
Also What if I just removed this line? Here is updated poem, seems like it has alot to do with the ocean maybe it's because it was on my mind
Also I didn't really follow any poem guide lines I just had an idea where I would talk about love without saying the word and then at the end state it, is that a good idea?
Here is update:
Always on my mind
In a labyrinth of gray matter
hides my life's inspiration
it's path revealed in your eyes
I don't just see you
I see us
wherever you go my heart will follow
I am Consumed within your beauty
it is my greatest joy and fear
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than the the ocean
Guiding my actions like the tide
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together
Love
So I modified this line
Guiding my actions
To this Guiding my actions like an ocean's tide
You are very right! The simile makes a big difference.
Also What if I just removed this line? Here is updated poem, seems like it has alot to do with the ocean maybe it's because it was on my mind
Also I didn't really follow any poem guide lines I just had an idea where I would talk about love without saying the word and then at the end state it, is that a good idea?
Here is update:
Always on my mind
In a labyrinth of gray matter
hides my life's inspiration
it's path revealed in your eyes
I don't just see you
I see us
wherever you go my heart will follow
I am Consumed within your beauty
it is my greatest joy and fear
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than the the ocean
Guiding my actions like the tide
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together
Love