Missed call -- 4:13pm edit 1 (rewrite of Just for a night)

[cidermaid]

Hi JC,
I've not been around very much, I did have a look in at the other thread but i think I will just stick to reading this as it is without the history of the previous work. (i'm fresh eyes for you in otherwords)

Tractor diesel and mowed alfalfa bring her to the edge I like the details of this line, but would want the edge to be more than the field mentioned.
of the field sprinkled with fresh bales. She stands small,
surveying with daddy, hand enveloped by his.

so (and please forgive me messing like this is just easier than trying to write) - if edge had a comma and then the next lines were reconfigured l felt it might strengthen the double image of it being the smell of diesel and alfalfa that does this to her as well as a phisical representation.

Tractor diesel and mowed alfalfa bring her to the edge,
surveying the field of scattered bales with daddy
she stands small, hand enveloped by his.


For a month she's dreamed in circles: a FedEx bullet
freefalls through wispy noontime clouds at a million Really like this dream like sequence
miles per slow motion minute. She stands large, So many M words in close proximity really aught to be overdoing the alliteration, but I think it is working, however I don't like the word minute in the mix. Slow motion makes the sounds work but then minute is a hard short sound...perhaps this was an intentional jar to strengthen the impact line, but taken on it's own did not work for me as a sound within the line. Sorry very verbose way to say I don't like a word
appraising with daddy. The plane hits the hay, Not sure i like appraising it feels like it is too soft for the rest of the line. Under our appraisal ? as a suggestion. Like the stark and abrupt statement of the crash after the longer dream lines sounds
soundlessly flashing gold and crimson. He chuckles Perhaps i am missing something that was explored in the other thread, or just being slow on the uptake, but i don't get why daddy is chuckling. I would imagine wry laughter if he had just finished working the field...but chuckling conveys a image genuine humour
at the tidy carnage, gifts littering the field. This was a good image and is working hard within the overall read of the poem; because of the word tidy it places a thought that this was not a real incident, but is now a metaphor for another event. (On my second read armed with the heart attack image i read this as the execution of the will to disperse the estate

4:38 she wakes up most mornings, eyes still filled I like the time detail taking centre stage here even though it does make the line read a bit clunky.
with his checkered shirt, worn down smile,
and heart still unattacked. Nice phrasing - I can well imagine that it is probably not origninal, but does not feel cliched to my read and is well placed here.

To feel his tanned farmer’s hands wrapped
around his mug she reenacts Gramma is not a strong point for me...but does there need to be a hyphen in re-enact ? I could well be wrong!
his mornings. Coffee, milk, let out the chickens,
then head off to daily duty. I love the emotion that is carried through this stanza and feels this is what is pulling the poem together; so although is low on pulling any power punches, I like the soft window on the process of grieving. It ties in well with the alternating views on the scene.

Once an hour she shuts down slurred urges Not a fan of once. I think it makes the subject sound overly emotional whereas for the rest of the poem she has been presented as still standing through the trial. I have been admiring her for her resolve now she comes accross as weak. I know this is a personal thing to each reader - just letting you know what this reader wants - If she is shutting down on the hour i can choose to read it as - on the hour of the accident. For others who would better identify with someone being more emotional, then they can take it as on the hour every hour if they like...the girl in my read has more backbone than that
to stare at her phone-- the call she didn’t pick up,
red polish not yet dry. I like the ending, it is a classic and has been re-told thousands of times but it is always good when done well. The rest of your poem supports the ending.



(some edits made since posting)
original poem/thread here: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=13367

Thanks for the read JC - I really enjoyed this one. AJ.