Sunday afternoon-- edit 3

[71degrees]

edit 2 Thanks trueenigma

Starbucks on Sunday afternoon

She wears a ring of round cigarette burns
and three-quarter-sleeves:
a red bracelet baring her state.
Chatter and silverware tinks swirl
as I crawl into her brain, a red-faced
deep-sea diver, exploring

crevices that surface in eruptions
of blood. Cuts turn to ruby
lips, spitting the bitter taste of hate
to the tiled ground. One mouthful less
for her to swallow. The bile spreads
under my chair, and trickles
out the door.


edit 1 Thanks to BedsideFungus, 71degrees, trueenigma, ellajam

At Starbucks on Sunday afternoon

She wears a ring of round cigarette burns
and three-quarter-sleeves:
a red bracelet baring her state.
Chatter and silverware tinks swirl unnoticed
as I crawl into her brain, a red-faced
deep-sea diver, exploring hidden
crevices that surface in eruptions
of blood. Cuts turn to ruby
lips, spitting the bitter taste of hate
to the tiled ground. One mouthful less
for her to swallow. The bile spreads
under my chair, and trickles
out the door.


original
Red lines crisscross brown hairs on her arm.
She wears a ring of round red cigarette burns
and three-quarter-sleeves—a bracelet
bearing to the world her current state of mind.
Chatter and samba swirl unnoticed in the air
as I crawl into her brain, a red-faced deep-sea diver,
in front of two Starbucks cups, empty for hours,
ensuring our right to the table. Lines turn to ruby lips,
spitting bitter tastes to the ground. The bile spreads
under my chair, and trickles out the door.

Do like what you've done here. Like the split stanzas, the line breaks, etc. Much improved product. Don't like addition of "hate"….to either revision. Hate is sooooo abstract whereas everything else is so specific. I already know she hates…no need to slap me in the face with the word. I might be tempted to have her "….spit bitters" rather than having to explain to me what she's doing. Let the reader do a little work…there are a million girls out there with her story. What's unique about hers? Show me. I'd also pare the extras (e.g. "and" line 12) or "of" (blood eruptions, rather than eruptions "of" blood). This might allow blood to be the line break.

Again, this is splendid. Love the edits. Maybe enough is enough. That would be your creative decision.