01-22-2014, 11:01 PM
That's much better. You really should cut "unnoticed" though. Swirl is much better for the break. And how would you even know they swirled if you didn't notice? If it's "unnoticed," why mention it? 
The only way that technique (mentioning the unnoticed, (ie "unbeknownst to me", etc.) is useful in first person present-tense narrative is when it is done to foreshadow a future event. I don't think there's enough time in this short poem to construct a dire future encounter with noisy chatter and silverware.
The only way that technique (mentioning the unnoticed, (ie "unbeknownst to me", etc.) is useful in first person present-tense narrative is when it is done to foreshadow a future event. I don't think there's enough time in this short poem to construct a dire future encounter with noisy chatter and silverware.