Sunday afternoon-- edit 3

[ellajam]

Wow, beautiful edit. It doesn't feel drastic to me. The breaks really make me think, I especially like ruby, which really made me reach but when I came up with the great value of release it became much more than "red".

Well done.

edit Thanks to BedsideFungus, 71degrees, trueenigma, ellajam

At Starbucks on Sunday afternoon

She wears a ring of round cigarette burns
and three-quarter-sleeves:
a red bracelet baring her state.
Chatter and silverware tinks swirl unnoticed
as I crawl into her brain, a red-faced
deep-sea diver, exploring hidden
crevices that surface in eruptions
of blood. Cuts turn to ruby
lips, spitting the bitter taste of hate
to the tiled ground. One mouthful less
for her to swallow. The bile spreads
under my chair, and trickles
out the door.


original
Red lines crisscross brown hairs on her arm.
She wears a ring of round red cigarette burns
and three-quarter-sleeves—a bracelet
bearing to the world her current state of mind.
Chatter and samba swirl unnoticed in the air
as I crawl into her brain, a red-faced deep-sea diver,
in front of two Starbucks cups, empty for hours,
ensuring our right to the table. Lines turn to ruby lips,
spitting bitter tastes to the ground. The bile spreads
under my chair, and trickles out the door.