Sunday afternoon-- edit 3

[Truerenigma]

Red lines crisscross brown hairs on her arm.
She wears a ring of round red cigarette burns
and three-quarter-sleeves—a bracelet
bearing to the world her current state of mind.
Chatter and samba swirl unnoticed in the air
as I crawl into her brain, a red-faced deep-sea diver,
in front of two Starbucks cups, empty for hours,
ensuring our right to the table. Lines turn to ruby lips,
spitting bitter tastes to the ground. The bile spreads
under my chair, and trickles out the door.

Cloud,

this strikes me as an "almost finished" poem. You might want to play with these ideas, then put it in a packet and send it around a bit:



Maybe experiment with trimming it a bit: I think "to the world" could go (actually you may want "baring", as being exposed is more dramatic, and to lose "current" as well, so that line could possibly function better as: "baring her state of mind") , as well as "unnoticed", "as" before "I crawl" should be replaced with punctuation at the end of the previous line; and "for hours" (that they are reserving the seats carries an implication that they are spending some time there, and should do the job fine on its own.)

Another experiment that might be worth trying out is using the line to help with sonics and drama, rather than appearance: Consider breaking after "face" instead of "diver", no one is expecting that metaphor, and I see no reason not to take advantage of the surprise; I think if you broke at "ruby", or even "lines", it would help enhance the sonics in "lips spitting bitter tastes"; you may want to also try breaking on "trickles", and let it trickle off the end of the line, with "out the door" on its own line.


That would be to my ear. What do you think?