01-22-2014, 08:45 AM
(01-21-2014, 08:02 PM)justcloudy Wrote: Red lines crisscross brown hairs on her arm.
She wears a ring of round red cigarette burns
and three-quarter-sleeves—a bracelet
bearing to the world her current state of mind.
Chatter and samba swirl unnoticed in the air
as I crawl into her brain, a red-faced deep-sea diver,
in front of two Starbucks cups, empty for hours,
ensuring our right to the table. Lines turn to ruby lips,
spitting bitter tastes to the ground. The bile spreads
under my chair, and trickles out the door.
Am assuming there's drug and/or or self abuse happening here. I don't envy you being there with this person so I'm also convinced you have accomplished one of your mood goals. "Samba" is an odd word to me to add to the deep sea images but then again, so is the Starbucks setting. I don't think it's important for me know who these people are…the impersonal but specific traits are enough. I'm unnerved a bit by the lack of empathy and by the end you don't give me any clue that I should feel anything but disgust at this person's physical characteristics. I guess my question would be….what point are you making? What I like: details, details. Very strong. What I dislike: When I'm done reading, do I care?
I remain of fan of your work. It's to-the-point and blunt, and I like that style of writing. Emotionally, take me somewhere.