Three A.M.

[71degrees]

Very well done. In my opinion though it is too short. You seem to be recalling a significant, and very specific time. I think if you could expand on it, mainly on the 8th line after evening and before the clocks. I think it could give it even more depth.
That being said, it is your story to tell and you told it very well.

Thanks. Appreciate the read and your thoughts. When is enough? A thought for every poet, I would think.

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Nice imagery in this short piece (the spider's web, the sheet music, the two clocks). The mood is pensive, tense, reflected in the brevity and structure of the poem.

I've made a suggestion below. Keep or sweep.

Donna

Revision

Three AM

In that tiny space
between screen
and glass,
a spider’s web
becomes
sheet music
for another
evening; two
clocks chime
the same half
hour one minute
apart: a reminder
my lover has
forgotten the words
and I am left to hum
only the melody Suggest dropping 'only'. The words have been forgotten, and in any case only a melody can be hummed. If you wanted to indicate that the lover has gone, you could say something like 'I am left alone to hum the melody'.

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I think I know what you're getting at, but I need to stress that, with no words, the melody IS all that's left. Conundrum. Have been mulling another revision based on recent posts. Thanks.

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Hi 71. I know you dislike full stops and love short lines, and sometimes that works in your poetry. In this case the lack of one and the presence of the other really turn me off the poem. They make it seem much more juvenile than it is. Why don't you try making a version with longer lines and seeing what you think?

-justcloudy

I will try. Nobody but my mother likes juvenile poetry. Will post soon. Thanks. Just had major neck surgery and have been loopy since last Friday. Need to write.

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Revision 3

Three A.M.

In that close space between screen and glass,
a spider web becomes tiny sheet music
for another evening

two clocks chime the same half hour
one minute apart: a reminder
my lover has forgotten the words
and we are alone in interlude