In that space
between screen
and glass,
a spider's web
becomes
sheet music
for another
evening; snow
falls outside
in flakes
too numerous
to count; two clocks
chime the same
half hour a minute
apart, reminding me
my lover has forgotten
the words and I
am left to hum
only a melody

Revision

Three AM

In that tiny space
between screen
and glass,
a spider’s web
becomes
sheet music
for another
evening; two
clocks chime
the same half
hour one minute
apart: a reminder
my lover has
forgotten the words
and I am left to hum
only the melody


I may have put this revision in the wrong spot. Here it is again:

Three A.M. (Revision #3)

In that close space between screen and glass,
a spider web becomes tiny sheet music
for another evening

two clocks chime the same half hour
one minute apart: a reminder
my lover has forgotten the words
and we are alone in interlude

Hi

A forlorn, moody atmosphere creates a scene that reaches remembrances and understandings in the heart. I like this short offering with its visually powerful content

Hi, 71' I like this, just a few notes.

(12-29-2013, 12:27 AM)71degrees Wrote:  In that space
between screen
and glass, clear image, puts me there
a spider's web
becomes
sheet music at first I went Huh? but I like it now
for another
evening; snow
falls outside
in flakes here's your weak point, "flakes too numerous to count" is just nothing new, not up to the level of the rest of the poem
too numerous
to count; two clocks love this, again puts me right there
chime the same
half hour a minute
apart, reminding me
my lover has forgotten
the words and I
am left to hum
only a melody strong ending, I'm not sure about "only"

Thanks for the read, I enjoyed it.

"Flakes too numerous to count"

You can do better than that...

ellajam & Pinsir: You're both right. Thanks. Will see what I can do.

Very well done. In my opinion though it is too short. You seem to be recalling a significant, and very specific time. I think if you could expand on it, mainly on the 8th line after evening and before the clocks. I think it could give it even more depth.
That being said, it is your story to tell and you told it very well.

Nice imagery in this short piece (the spider's web, the sheet music, the two clocks). The mood is pensive, tense, reflected in the brevity and structure of the poem.

I've made a suggestion below. Keep or sweep.

Donna

Revision

Three AM

In that tiny space
between screen
and glass,
a spider’s web
becomes
sheet music
for another
evening; two
clocks chime
the same half
hour one minute
apart: a reminder
my lover has
forgotten the words
and I am left to hum
only the melody Suggest dropping 'only'. The words have been forgotten, and in any case only a melody can be hummed. If you wanted to indicate that the lover has gone, you could say something like 'I am left alone to hum the melody'.
[/quote]

Hi 71. I know you dislike full stops and love short lines, and sometimes that works in your poetry. In this case the lack of one and the presence of the other really turn me off the poem. They make it seem much more juvenile than it is. Why don't you try making a version with longer lines and seeing what you think?

-justcloudy

(01-19-2014, 08:31 PM)The Blind Daemon Wrote:  Very well done. In my opinion though it is too short. You seem to be recalling a significant, and very specific time. I think if you could expand on it, mainly on the 8th line after evening and before the clocks. I think it could give it even more depth.
That being said, it is your story to tell and you told it very well.

Thanks. Appreciate the read and your thoughts. When is enough? A thought for every poet, I would think.

---

(01-19-2014, 09:00 PM)DonMar Wrote:  Nice imagery in this short piece (the spider's web, the sheet music, the two clocks). The mood is pensive, tense, reflected in the brevity and structure of the poem.

I've made a suggestion below. Keep or sweep.

Donna

Revision

Three AM

In that tiny space
between screen
and glass,
a spider’s web
becomes
sheet music
for another
evening; two
clocks chime
the same half
hour one minute
apart: a reminder
my lover has
forgotten the words
and I am left to hum
only the melody Suggest dropping 'only'. The words have been forgotten, and in any case only a melody can be hummed. If you wanted to indicate that the lover has gone, you could say something like 'I am left alone to hum the melody'.

[/quote]

I think I know what you're getting at, but I need to stress that, with no words, the melody IS all that's left. Conundrum. Have been mulling another revision based on recent posts. Thanks.

---

(01-20-2014, 08:25 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  Hi 71. I know you dislike full stops and love short lines, and sometimes that works in your poetry. In this case the lack of one and the presence of the other really turn me off the poem. They make it seem much more juvenile than it is. Why don't you try making a version with longer lines and seeing what you think?

-justcloudy

I will try. Nobody but my mother likes juvenile poetry. Will post soon. Thanks. Just had major neck surgery and have been loopy since last Friday. Need to write.

---

Revision 3

Three A.M.

In that close space between screen and glass,
a spider web becomes tiny sheet music
for another evening

two clocks chime the same half hour
one minute apart: a reminder
my lover has forgotten the words
and we are alone in interlude

Though I am probably not one to comment, I found the style and context of the original hauntingly familar.

i enjoyed the poem but not the line breaks.
i'm probably way off the mark here but the poem has a sexual connotation for me;

my lover has
forgotten the words
and I am left to hum
only the melody

the spider door images are good. there's a sense of being trapped in them.

i wish i could give a more helpful crit

(01-21-2014, 02:50 PM)Veil of Trash Wrote:  Though I am probably not one to comment, I found the style and context of the original hauntingly familar.

Actually, I wish sometimes more folks would comment. Thanks.

---

(01-21-2014, 04:18 PM)billy Wrote:  i enjoyed the poem but not the line breaks.
i'm probably way off the mark here but the poem has a sexual connotation for me;

my lover has
forgotten the words
and I am left to hum
only the melody

the spider door images are good. there's a sense of being trapped in them.

i wish i could give a more helpful crit

People see different things in poems, Billy. As for the line breaks, you may not have seen Revision #3

I think revision 3 is miles better. But that may just be me. Still missing the full stops though but that's your right of course.

Oooh, I like #3, nice job. The one word line "becomes" is the only off point for me, I'd drop it to the line below, but still, really well done, I'm glad you added winter back in, I missed it.

---

Oops, I got confused, I was addressing the top, original? I'm confused, haven't read it in a few days. It was in 3 that I felt the loss of winter. I haven't read 3 enough yet, I'm not ready to give an opinion on "interlude", but can we have winter without the numerous snowflakes? Asking too much?

Yes #3 is much better, you have reduced a lot of the problematic points in ver. 1 and 2.

Dale