01-18-2014, 02:24 AM
you were my only precious love
Only precious love, as in the other loves weren't precious? If so, all right.
you taught me how to disappear
within my adolescent whims
crushed by the man
who ripped the veil off
of my pleasure
I understand the first two lines of the stanza, they're all right, but they could be said better.
The last two lines, maybe
who ripped the veil
from my pleasure
unless you think that changes your meaning.
he, the rapist, made me equal
to his kind
to my kind now
Those three lines work for me. They're the kind of lines that can be great when there is more to back them up.
But after this point the poem seems to lose focus. The metaphors seem unnecessarily vague and arbitrary, like you were discussing elsewhere.
born unfit for woman kind
I see you still behind your shell
I feign a smile and wish you well
my only love right there inside you
slave to time by your own choosing. I
wanted guilt for my abusing
but there was none
and now I give apologies
to anyone who takes the knife
and drives it through me
you were my only precious love
I held you once
and you unraveled
now you’re selling you as chattle
but there was no bell to answer
that was my time
forever after
I still can kiss you
in my dreams
I once observed
a shining sphere
it promised me
to bring you near
and I believed it
luckily
Only precious love, as in the other loves weren't precious? If so, all right.
you taught me how to disappear
within my adolescent whims
crushed by the man
who ripped the veil off
of my pleasure
I understand the first two lines of the stanza, they're all right, but they could be said better.
The last two lines, maybe
who ripped the veil
from my pleasure
unless you think that changes your meaning.
he, the rapist, made me equal
to his kind
to my kind now
Those three lines work for me. They're the kind of lines that can be great when there is more to back them up.
But after this point the poem seems to lose focus. The metaphors seem unnecessarily vague and arbitrary, like you were discussing elsewhere.
born unfit for woman kind
I see you still behind your shell
I feign a smile and wish you well
my only love right there inside you
slave to time by your own choosing. I
wanted guilt for my abusing
but there was none
and now I give apologies
to anyone who takes the knife
and drives it through me
you were my only precious love
I held you once
and you unraveled
now you’re selling you as chattle
but there was no bell to answer
that was my time
forever after
I still can kiss you
in my dreams
I once observed
a shining sphere
it promised me
to bring you near
and I believed it
luckily