Slaves

[kingmicahde]

Quaw-pow cracked the whip on the untrained back
Cringing cowaring to the sensation of the pain
Restrained by the linked iron around ankles and wrist
Opressed and hopeless but still surviving
Made an example of by torture
Taught only to think what is told
Treated like livestock or Property
And life is controlled by someone else
Used to make thier dreams come true

Write-ups and other forms of punishment
Signing to comply to the acceptance
Limited by schedualed times of work
Living pay check to pay check
Publicly humiliated in front of co-workers
Memorizing policies and company procedures
Treated like just another employee
And someone is always in charge of you
You will always be making them rich

Lets see who all will hate this. Leave that constructive critisism

[kingmicahde]

[quote='kingmicahde' pid='152562' dateline='1389923671']
Quaw-pow cracked the whip on the untrained back ("cracks" instead of "cracked")
Cringing cowaring to the sensation of the pain ("cowering" and comma after cringing, also would suggest dropping "the" before "pain")
Restrained by the linked iron around ankles and wrist (drop "the" before "linked", pluralize "wrists")
Opressed and hopeless but still surviving ("oppressed")
Made an example of by torture ("with" instead of "by")
Taught only to think what is told ("what's been told" instead of "what is told")
Treated like livestock or Property (don't capitalize "property")
And life is controlled by someone else (I would suggest substituting "strangers" or another synonym for "someone else")
Used to make thier dreams come true (this line doesn't make a whole lot of sense inserted here)

Write-ups and other forms of punishment ("pink slips" instead of "write ups")
Signing to comply to the acceptance (would suggest "acquiesence" instead of "to the acceptance")
Limited by schedualed times of work ("scheduled")
Living pay check to pay check
Publicly humiliated in front of co-workers
Memorizing policies and company procedures
Treated like just another employee (would suggest substitute for "employee", it's too obvious and in a way repetitious. Maybe "statistic"?)
And someone is always in charge of you ("running" instead of "in charge of")
You will always be making them rich

Lets see who all will hate this. Leave that constructive critisism

There are some interesting ideas here although it comes across as too ranty - like you just had a really bad day at work. The two stanzas aren't terribly cohesive either. The first echoed slavery and the second - while it echoes a form of modern slavery didn't have enough of a seque to transition the reader. I think you need at least one stanza between the two to help tie the two ideas.

Will be interested to see what else you can come up with.

Hey thanks I was actually thinking the same I could not figure out a way to transition without just coming out and saying we are slaves today. I do understand that the second half was a little ranty I was really proud of the first stanza and the second kinda disapointed but would like help on bettering it I was also wondering if you could see any similarity in the wording of the 2 was trying to make it similar but not too obvious and it coming across as repeditive

[kingmicahde]

There are some interesting ideas here although it comes across as too ranty - like you just had a really bad day at work. The two stanzas aren't terribly cohesive either. The first echoed slavery and the second - while it echoes a form of modern slavery didn't have enough of a seque to transition the reader. I think you need at least one stanza between the two to help tie the two ideas.

Will be interested to see what else you can come up with.

Hey thanks I was actually thinking the same I could not figure out a way to transition without just coming out and saying we are slaves today. I do understand that the second half was a little ranty I was really proud of the first stanza and the second kinda disapointed but would like help on bettering it I was also wondering if you could see any similarity in the wording of the 2 was trying to make it similar but not too obvious and it coming across as repeditive

Yes, I notice it now. You should definitely play with this one a bit more. I could end up being quite nice with a little work.

Hey thanks I actually am at work writing this so I do notice a few typos and grammar errors that you mention I appreciate the input

[Erthona]

I think this is a good idea to work with, but your second stanza fails to make its point.

"Treated like just another employee" Sounds like equality to me.

I think you need to work more on the idea that they "trick" you into thinking you need to buy things (a bigger, or newer whatever gizmo), and you "indenture yourself" (go into debt) in order to get the thing, then you are locked into a job you hate, but can't afford to quit. So you become a slave to materialism. However, I think you also have to be honest and acknowledge that it was your own choices that got you into this slavery, with real slavery they had no such choice, so I think you have to be careful about trivializing past slavery by trying to directly correlate it to what is gong on today. You could say something like, "we are indentured slaves but we indentured ourselves. and since we got ourselves into this, we can get ourselves out." By taking responsibility for your current state, instead of trying to portray yourself as a total victim, you can make your second stanza much more powerful, otherwise it will just come across as whining.


Dale

[kingmicahde]

Thank you for the advise I definately will work on it like I said I don't like the second stanza at all I think it needs a transition and needs to be better over all I am not sure about being a slave being our choice thing because I want to infer that there is a certain selct few people that own the worlds money and that we all work for them even our managers they are always slaves to the master that they don't even know even some CEO's really exist to make money for the higher up I tdont know how to convey it

[Asyndetoff]

The concept of this eerily poem I like, I wouldn't make any critique against it. But I would say this, all that glitters is not gold and What deems middle class and above is above so below