“Lucky” number seven. Edit 1

[Codry]

Making it longer as you have only seems to make matters worse. It feels like an isolated scene from a story with better parts. It lacks the better parts.

What would you consider a better part? I want to know what you feel, how you feel it and why you feel it. I don't wanna know what you think but what you FEEL.

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Instead of canvas maybe "papyrus" .Do you have any idea how rough papyrus is it's harder than paper I can't use that word to describe skin I can't go with

""Books" stands for life storyHow many times you heard the expression " I ended this chapter in my life but I didn't closed the book"?
"Canvas" stands for body, skin" I could have used "temple" just as easy and that would have taken you to an image of a city not even close to the body. In the bible(I"m not a true believer but I do read) they say Jesus's face was imprinted on canvas, most paintings that have a face/body on it are painted on canvas ... canvas is pliable, soft just like skin

as that is not an established allusion, nor do you establish it in any way, so there is no way for the reader to know that is what you mean. That's really bad because if they don't get this they wont get my other poetry which is way more subtle than this example right here, oddly enough my friends who don't write poetry do understand the allusion

I'm guessing "she" is Nefertiti, although I think she only lived to be 22.The fact I used Osiris That doesn't make her Nefertiti I could have used Hades or any other god linked to death just as well"

"She made me feel nor dead, nor alive.
So close yet so far my tingly burning fingers"

maybe not dead, nor alive.
"She made me feel not dead"....mmmm..It sounds so scratchy to my ear and grammatically incorrect... it sounded better in 1600 " She made me not feel dead" but with a different structure



"So close yet so far" a tad cliche. I admit this can be changed a little

"Hall & Oates - So Close", "So Close, Yet So Far - Elvis Presley", "Strawbs - So Close And Yet So Far".


Dale