01-16-2014, 07:39 AM
Once warm books, now frozen pages in the library of Osiris.
It's not a very good first line, but it sets up the cold, lifeless poem.
I feel nothing while I read your canvas,
No feelings of sorrow, not even pity,
Nor hear deaf whispers of the past,
Why the comma there?
That call your blind souls in despair.
I can’t share a tear for you, I didn’t do it for mine
At best I gaze at your fleshy panoramic landscape
Table horizontal marble mountains.
“Perhaps I’m an empty vessel as well” I said.
It's a fragmented set of lines, but maybe you want it that way.
And then I spot her out of seven rancid trees , My muse.
I see the beauty of her lifeless
Sleepy body, 30’s winter age.
She made me feel nor dead, nor alive.
So close yet so far my tingly burning fingers
On her brainless lips, on her chin, her throat,
The brainless lips is all right. It's a cold subject, there's not much else that stands out in any way.
On her bare chest, just in between.
I hold her tight and in my mind I say “ I want to kiss you.”
“ I want to feel your darkness and bury myself inside your skin”
They said she had nothing to offer anymore.
But she gave me the world in silence
“Surrender” she said.
I keep repeating how cold it is, it's not necessarily a bad thing to handle it this way but it's kind of dull. Kind of sketchy too. I don't have any suggestions, I just see that it's dull, and think you'd do better to struggle with it more.
It's not a very good first line, but it sets up the cold, lifeless poem.
I feel nothing while I read your canvas,
No feelings of sorrow, not even pity,
Nor hear deaf whispers of the past,
Why the comma there?
That call your blind souls in despair.
I can’t share a tear for you, I didn’t do it for mine
At best I gaze at your fleshy panoramic landscape
Table horizontal marble mountains.
“Perhaps I’m an empty vessel as well” I said.
It's a fragmented set of lines, but maybe you want it that way.
And then I spot her out of seven rancid trees , My muse.
I see the beauty of her lifeless
Sleepy body, 30’s winter age.
She made me feel nor dead, nor alive.
So close yet so far my tingly burning fingers
On her brainless lips, on her chin, her throat,
The brainless lips is all right. It's a cold subject, there's not much else that stands out in any way.
On her bare chest, just in between.
I hold her tight and in my mind I say “ I want to kiss you.”
“ I want to feel your darkness and bury myself inside your skin”
They said she had nothing to offer anymore.
But she gave me the world in silence
“Surrender” she said.
I keep repeating how cold it is, it's not necessarily a bad thing to handle it this way but it's kind of dull. Kind of sketchy too. I don't have any suggestions, I just see that it's dull, and think you'd do better to struggle with it more.