01-03-2014, 03:28 PM
I'm surprised that the redraft is better hahaha I liked the first so much, and I was editing as an exercise, mostly. Cool. I'll do the same, again. First, and for sure, worshipped not worshiped.
Now . . . Right now, it seems to me, there's a new intrigue: cat or woman. I like that way better than the bestialikitty (I think that's a funny coinage, but I'm kind of an idiot hahaha). So, maybe that tension can be better realized? It's be like, "the puppy huffs about the room, sticks everything in it's mouth, talks like a big dog, and then naps in it's mother's arms to Baby Genius, Tape 3," right? Most readers would see the "puppy" as a metaphor for a young child. The cat does X, and I receive her as a woman? There's a few other takes, but this seems to be the one on the nearest horizon.
Next, there's a thesaurus going on with worship, enthral, mesmerize, and the idea of the cat/woman knowing. It could be reordered to realize a progression. So, and here's another intentionally lame e.g., it'd be "the fish perceives, gets, thinks, sees" vs "the fish sees, perceives, thinks, gets." The latter seems more narrative than the former. Which is more powerful, enthralled or mesmerized? I'd think that "enthralled," meaning enslaved, trumps "mesmerized" meaning, loosely, suggestible or deeply engaged with a rhythm. So, which should go first, which next?
I sure do like the last line better.
note, the more that meaning emerges from your poem, the more tempting it will be to read the tail as narcissistic. That is, instead of *pipes pipes pipes pipes*, it'll read as "me me me me," as in I I I I.
Now . . . Right now, it seems to me, there's a new intrigue: cat or woman. I like that way better than the bestialikitty (I think that's a funny coinage, but I'm kind of an idiot hahaha). So, maybe that tension can be better realized? It's be like, "the puppy huffs about the room, sticks everything in it's mouth, talks like a big dog, and then naps in it's mother's arms to Baby Genius, Tape 3," right? Most readers would see the "puppy" as a metaphor for a young child. The cat does X, and I receive her as a woman? There's a few other takes, but this seems to be the one on the nearest horizon.
Next, there's a thesaurus going on with worship, enthral, mesmerize, and the idea of the cat/woman knowing. It could be reordered to realize a progression. So, and here's another intentionally lame e.g., it'd be "the fish perceives, gets, thinks, sees" vs "the fish sees, perceives, thinks, gets." The latter seems more narrative than the former. Which is more powerful, enthralled or mesmerized? I'd think that "enthralled," meaning enslaved, trumps "mesmerized" meaning, loosely, suggestible or deeply engaged with a rhythm. So, which should go first, which next?
I sure do like the last line better.
note, the more that meaning emerges from your poem, the more tempting it will be to read the tail as narcissistic. That is, instead of *pipes pipes pipes pipes*, it'll read as "me me me me," as in I I I I.