Sleeper

[ChessPiece]

I’m ready to deal with sleeping in the dark now
Any minute now

Half-crouched by the light switch
Hand on Knee, on the mark
Memorizing unobstructed route by panic
Charging through to safety
And with frenetic shock
Lunge blindly onto twin-size berth
Any second now

I’ve taken to sleeping in a cold room
Simulating an exposure to the elements
This is what I should be afraid of:
Park bench and sleeping bag, grill-brush jaw agape
Snotty drooling display of detached inactivity
Antipathy’s gift to the public senses
Mega phonic snoring in the grunting style
Of damaged saxophone
A flurry of nightsticks to tuck me in
Muddied gangrenous hands
Up like praise in self defence

For now, a mattressed plank on cold dark water
On this ocean of a disheveled room
With optimism at arm’s length
Scoffing off faint terror of nightmare
A Plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper




Took another shot at it, trying to tighten it a bit.


EDIT 1
I’m ready to sleep in the dark now
Arm stretched out behind me
Finger perched, hovered above the light switch
Half-crouched, on my mark
Memorizing the unobstructed route
Before the charge to safety
Lunging blindly onto twin-size berth

I’ve taken to sleeping in a cold room
Simulating an exposure to the elements
This is what I should be afraid of:
Park bench and sleeping bag, grill-brush jaw agape
Snotty drooling display of detached Inactivity
Antipathy’s gift to the public senses
Mega phonic snoring in the grunting style
Of damaged saxophone
A flurry of nightsticks to tuck me in
Muddied gangrenous hands
Up like praise in self defense

For now, a comfortable cold bed in the dark
Easily scoffing the nightmare prickle
For now, an optimism at arm's length
A plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper


I'm not sure if these changes cure the imagery problem but it definitely needed an overhaul. Decided to keep the twin-size berth because twin berth sounds like twin birth when read aloud. Just sayin.
Any further suggestions welcome.


Original

I’m ready to sleep in the dark now
My arm stretched out behind me
Finger perched and poised on the light switch
Half-crouched, on my mark
Memorizing the unobstructed route
Before I sprint blindly to the twin-size berth

I like to sleep in a cold room
So I can be reminded of what I’m protected from
What I really should be scared of:
Homelessness, giving every thought to endurance
Friendless to where I cannot afford to put trust on hold
Forgettable, faceless, although easily identifiable to where my survival
May bring about incarceration should I decide to sustain myself
Through illicit means

For now, a comfortable cold bed in the dark
Easy dreaming there
Easily able to scoff the nightmare prickle
No conclusions made that my uproarious snore is the mark of a rummy
For now, there's an optimism that I’m willing to take on at arm's length
A plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper

[Leanne]

I’m ready to sleep in the dark now
My arm stretched out behind me
Finger perched and poised on the light switch
Half-crouched, on my mark
Memorizing the unobstructed route
Before I sprint blindly to the twin-size berth -- would just "twin berth" work here?

I like to sleep in a cold room
So I can be reminded of what I’m protected from -- this line is quite awkward -- I can't think of a suggestion immediately though, sorry
What I really should be scared of:
Homelessness, giving every thought to endurance
Friendless to where I cannot afford to put trust on hold
Forgettable, faceless, although easily identifiable to where my survival
May bring about incarceration should I decide to sustain myself
Through illicit means -- this stanza is full of quite a lot of "tell" rather than "show" -- I would like to see you condense this and come up with some concrete images rather than outright statements, as a lot of this can be implied

For now, a comfortable cold bed in the dark
Easy dreaming there
Easily able to scoff the nightmare prickle
No conclusions made that my uproarious snore is the mark of a rummy -- another line that could be "show" rather than "tell"
For now, there's an optimism that I’m willing to take on at arm's length
A plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper -- I really like these last two lines, both the sound of them and the ideas.

This is a great concept that with some fine tuning could turn into a really good piece of poetry. It does suffer a bit from a heavy touch but that's just something that comes with practise. I look forward to seeing what becomes of this poem.

[ChessPiece]

I’m ready to sleep in the dark now
My arm stretched out behind me
Finger perched and poised on the light switch
Half-crouched, on my mark
Memorizing the unobstructed route
Before I sprint blindly to the twin-size berth -- would just "twin berth" work here?

I like to sleep in a cold room
So I can be reminded of what I’m protected from -- this line is quite awkward -- I can't think of a suggestion immediately though, sorry
What I really should be scared of:
Homelessness, giving every thought to endurance
Friendless to where I cannot afford to put trust on hold
Forgettable, faceless, although easily identifiable to where my survival
May bring about incarceration should I decide to sustain myself
Through illicit means -- this stanza is full of quite a lot of "tell" rather than "show" -- I would like to see you condense this and come up with some concrete images rather than outright statements, as a lot of this can be implied

For now, a comfortable cold bed in the dark
Easy dreaming there
Easily able to scoff the nightmare prickle
No conclusions made that my uproarious snore is the mark of a rummy -- another line that could be "show" rather than "tell"
For now, there's an optimism that I’m willing to take on at arm's length
A plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper -- I really like these last two lines, both the sound of them and the ideas.

This is a great concept that with some fine tuning could turn into a really good piece of poetry. It does suffer a bit from a heavy touch but that's just something that comes with practise. I look forward to seeing what becomes of this poem.

Hmmm great points all. Really like the twin berth thing right off the bat. Exactly the kind of input I'm looking for, thanks! Now to do some thinking about the rest.

[ChessPiece]

There's a rule against bumping a thread...but I wanted to campaign for further comments on this poem... If you've been writing for one second or one tenth of a decade or old hat ..throw some feedback my way Cheers! -CP

I’m ready to deal with sleeping in the dark now
Any minute now

Half-crouched by the light switch
Hand on Knee, on the mark
Memorizing unobstructed route by panic
Charging through to safety
And with frenetic shock
Lunge blindly onto twin-size berth
Any second now

I’ve taken to sleeping in a cold room
Simulating an exposure to the elements
This is what I should be afraid of:
Park bench and sleeping bag, grill-brush jaw agape
Snotty drooling display of detached inactivity
Antipathy’s gift to the public senses
Mega phonic snoring in the grunting style
Of damaged saxophone
A flurry of nightsticks to tuck me in
Muddied gangrenous hands
Up like praise in self defence

For now, a mattressed plank on cold dark water
On this ocean of a disheveled room
With optimism at arm’s length
A Plugged-nosed repose I don’t answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper




Took another shot at it, trying to tighten it a bit.


EDIT 1
I’m ready to sleep in the dark now
Arm stretched out behind me
Finger perched, hovered above the light switch
Half-crouched, on my mark
Memorizing the unobstructed route
Before the charge to safety
Lunging blindly onto twin-size berth

I’ve taken to sleeping in a cold room
Simulating an exposure to the elements
This is what I should be afraid of:
Park bench and sleeping bag, grill-brush jaw agape
Snotty drooling display of detached Inactivity
Antipathy’s gift to the public senses
Mega phonic snoring in the grunting style
Of damaged saxophone
A flurry of nightsticks to tuck me in
Muddied gangrenous hands
Up like praise in self defense

For now, a comfortable cold bed in the dark
Easily scoffing the nightmare prickle
For now, an optimism at arm's length
A plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper


I'm not sure if these changes cure the imagery problem but it definitely needed an overhaul. Decided to keep the twin-size berth because twin berth sounds like twin birth when read aloud. Just sayin.
Any further suggestions welcome.


Original

I’m ready to sleep in the dark now
My arm stretched out behind me
Finger perched and poised on the light switch
Half-crouched, on my mark
Memorizing the unobstructed route
Before I sprint blindly to the twin-size berth

I like to sleep in a cold room
So I can be reminded of what I’m protected from
What I really should be scared of:
Homelessness, giving every thought to endurance
Friendless to where I cannot afford to put trust on hold
Forgettable, faceless, although easily identifiable to where my survival
May bring about incarceration should I decide to sustain myself
Through illicit means

For now, a comfortable cold bed in the dark
Easy dreaming there
Easily able to scoff the nightmare prickle
No conclusions made that my uproarious snore is the mark of a rummy
For now, there's an optimism that I’m willing to take on at arm's length
A plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper

[ellajam]

Hi, chess, I'll give it a go.

I’m ready to deal with sleeping in the dark now
Any minute now

Half-crouched by the light switch
Hand on Knee, on the mark
Memorizing unobstructed route by panic
Charging through to safety
And with frenetic shock
Lunge blindly onto twin-size berth
Any second now

I miss perched, I liked it's sense of hesitance, but this has a great sense of movement now. I'd prefer "an unobstructed path" and "a twin-sized berth" or "a narrow berth" might solve your "twin birth" problem.

I’ve taken to sleeping in a cold room
Simulating an exposure to the elements
This is what I should be afraid of: I'm not sure of "should" here, it's what you are afraid of, no?
Park bench and sleeping bag, grill-brush jaw agape
Snotty drooling display of detached inactivity
Antipathy’s gift to the public senses I'm not a fan of "antipathy" here
Mega phonic snoring in the grunting style
Of damaged saxophone. Again, I'd prefer "a damaged saxaphone"
A flurry of nightsticks to tuck me in
Muddied gangrenous hands
Up like praise in self defence defense

For now, a mattressed plank on cold dark water I'd substitute something for one of the "on"s
On this ocean of a disheveled room
With optimism at arm’s length
Scoffing off faint terror of nightmare
A Plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper




Took another shot at it, trying to tighten it a bit.


EDIT 1
I’m ready to sleep in the dark now
Arm stretched out behind me
Finger perched, hovered above the light switch
Half-crouched, on my mark
Memorizing the unobstructed route
Before the charge to safety
Lunging blindly onto twin-size berth

I’ve taken to sleeping in a cold room
Simulating an exposure to the elements
This is what I should be afraid of:
Park bench and sleeping bag, grill-brush jaw agape
Snotty drooling display of detached Inactivity
Antipathy’s gift to the public senses
Mega phonic snoring in the grunting style
Of damaged saxophone
A flurry of nightsticks to tuck me in
Muddied gangrenous hands
Up like praise in self defense

For now, a comfortable cold bed in the dark
Easily scoffing the nightmare prickle
For now, an optimism at arm's length
A plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper


I'm not sure if these changes cure the imagery problem but it definitely needed an overhaul. Decided to keep the twin-size berth because twin berth sounds like twin birth when read aloud. Just sayin.
Any further suggestions welcome.


Original

I’m ready to sleep in the dark now
My arm stretched out behind me
Finger perched and poised on the light switch
Half-crouched, on my mark
Memorizing the unobstructed route
Before I sprint blindly to the twin-size berth

I like to sleep in a cold room
So I can be reminded of what I’m protected from
What I really should be scared of:
Homelessness, giving every thought to endurance
Friendless to where I cannot afford to put trust on hold
Forgettable, faceless, although easily identifiable to where my survival
May bring about incarceration should I decide to sustain myself
Through illicit means

For now, a comfortable cold bed in the dark
Easy dreaming there
Easily able to scoff the nightmare prickle
No conclusions made that my uproarious snore is the mark of a rummy
For now, there's an optimism that I’m willing to take on at arm's length
A plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper

I have a tendency to cut so many words it actually decreases the movement of the read as opposed to helping it, so I've noted where you have seemed to do the same.

Thanks for the read, I hope this helps a bit.

[ChessPiece]

Thanks Ella, great comments. You're absolutely right, there comes a point where one starts over editing and I began sensing that I was going overboard. I like your suggestion about "an unobstructed path" I think that will fit nicely. I will give that and "a twin-sized berth" a shot. The "should" you referred to should almost be presented as should because it sounds like that when I read it aloud. There's an emphasis..."never mind the dark, this is what you should be afraid of."
defence is the Canadian spelling but I can change to the American without a problem....I'll try these out with the addition of "a damaged saxophone" and see how it sounds. Thanks again for taking the time to offer your suggestions, much appreciated.

Hi, chess, I'll give it a go.

I’m ready to deal with sleeping in the dark now
Any minute now

Half-crouched by the light switch
Hand on Knee, on the mark
Memorizing unobstructed route by panic
Charging through to safety
And with frenetic shock
Lunge blindly onto twin-size berth
Any second now

I miss perched, I liked it's sense of hesitance, but this has a great sense of movement now. I'd prefer "an unobstructed path" and "a twin-sized berth" or "a narrow berth" might solve your "twin birth" problem.

I’ve taken to sleeping in a cold room
Simulating an exposure to the elements
This is what I should be afraid of: I'm not sure of "should" here, it's what you are afraid of, no?
Park bench and sleeping bag, grill-brush jaw agape
Snotty drooling display of detached inactivity
Antipathy’s gift to the public senses I'm not a fan of "antipathy" here
Mega phonic snoring in the grunting style
Of damaged saxophone. Again, I'd prefer "a damaged saxaphone"
A flurry of nightsticks to tuck me in
Muddied gangrenous hands
Up like praise in self defence defense

For now, a mattressed plank on cold dark water I'd substitute something for one of the "on"s
On this ocean of a disheveled room
With optimism at arm’s length
Scoffing off faint terror of nightmare
A Plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper




Took another shot at it, trying to tighten it a bit.


EDIT 1
I’m ready to sleep in the dark now
Arm stretched out behind me
Finger perched, hovered above the light switch
Half-crouched, on my mark
Memorizing the unobstructed route
Before the charge to safety
Lunging blindly onto twin-size berth

I’ve taken to sleeping in a cold room
Simulating an exposure to the elements
This is what I should be afraid of:
Park bench and sleeping bag, grill-brush jaw agape
Snotty drooling display of detached Inactivity
Antipathy’s gift to the public senses
Mega phonic snoring in the grunting style
Of damaged saxophone
A flurry of nightsticks to tuck me in
Muddied gangrenous hands
Up like praise in self defense

For now, a comfortable cold bed in the dark
Easily scoffing the nightmare prickle
For now, an optimism at arm's length
A plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper


I'm not sure if these changes cure the imagery problem but it definitely needed an overhaul. Decided to keep the twin-size berth because twin berth sounds like twin birth when read aloud. Just sayin.
Any further suggestions welcome.


Original

I’m ready to sleep in the dark now
My arm stretched out behind me
Finger perched and poised on the light switch
Half-crouched, on my mark
Memorizing the unobstructed route
Before I sprint blindly to the twin-size berth

I like to sleep in a cold room
So I can be reminded of what I’m protected from
What I really should be scared of:
Homelessness, giving every thought to endurance
Friendless to where I cannot afford to put trust on hold
Forgettable, faceless, although easily identifiable to where my survival
May bring about incarceration should I decide to sustain myself
Through illicit means

For now, a comfortable cold bed in the dark
Easy dreaming there
Easily able to scoff the nightmare prickle
No conclusions made that my uproarious snore is the mark of a rummy
For now, there's an optimism that I’m willing to take on at arm's length
A plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper

I have a tendency to cut so many words it actually decreases the movement of the read as opposed to helping it, so I've noted where you have seemed to do the same.

Thanks for the read, I hope this helps a bit.

[ellajam]

Ah, I had moved on from the dark, I was applying "should" to the cold room. I was involved in those two lines, they take some thought and imagination, they're good, but if you're back to the dark again you'd need to clarify it for me.

Sorry for my mispelling of saxophone, should have proofread, if defence is your spelling that's fine with me, big world, yanno.