12-28-2013, 02:33 PM
--let me put my macro up top. I'm making suggestions here, not because I think you need to change anything, really, but because they might be helpful. I join the chorus of people who were equally disturbed and delighted by this poem.
My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and pampered luxury.
--I have trouble with the pampered-luxury construction. Wouldn't it be "pampering"?
She ventures out
--comma after out? And ventures out of what? The rest of the house into your room?
donning her richest furs,
assuming a mood of lavishness.
--I don't know what a "mood of lavishness" would be . . .
She saunters into the room,
--perhaps there's a word that's superior to "saunters"?
alights upon my bed.
--should she go airborne before alighting?
Lithe and seductive
************
************
on all fours, she
stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
gazing at me enthralled.
--ambiguity attributing "enthralled" to "me" or "she"
In the dark, her eyes are
enchanting topaz lanterns;
--consider an active construction
she leaves me mesmerized.
--this makes it seem like she's exited. Consider "she mesmerizes me". Also, the etymology of "mesmerize" is really fun and maybe useful here.
She knows that ancients had
--"had" is unnecessary. Also, I read intent here, as in "because she knows, she brushes . . ." Consider explicating that connection between knowledge and action.
worshiped her as a goddess.
Brushing her body against me,
gliding smoother than silk
--comma after "silk"
she reclines into my lap
purring ever so softly,
beckoning my
caress.
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--to heighten the disturbing bestial quality of this poem, consider replacing the "pipes" in the tail with actual words, at least a few of them. They could be anything, but the natural progression would describe your response to the "beckoning." If it doesn't work, keep the pipes, but if it does, I'd imagine it would really cinch the excellence if the poem.
If any of those notes seem half-wrought, feel free to ask, and I'll try to be clearer
My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and pampered luxury.
--I have trouble with the pampered-luxury construction. Wouldn't it be "pampering"?
She ventures out
--comma after out? And ventures out of what? The rest of the house into your room?
donning her richest furs,
assuming a mood of lavishness.
--I don't know what a "mood of lavishness" would be . . .
She saunters into the room,
--perhaps there's a word that's superior to "saunters"?
alights upon my bed.
--should she go airborne before alighting?
Lithe and seductive
************
************
on all fours, she
stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
gazing at me enthralled.
--ambiguity attributing "enthralled" to "me" or "she"
In the dark, her eyes are
enchanting topaz lanterns;
--consider an active construction
she leaves me mesmerized.
--this makes it seem like she's exited. Consider "she mesmerizes me". Also, the etymology of "mesmerize" is really fun and maybe useful here.
She knows that ancients had
--"had" is unnecessary. Also, I read intent here, as in "because she knows, she brushes . . ." Consider explicating that connection between knowledge and action.
worshiped her as a goddess.
Brushing her body against me,
gliding smoother than silk
--comma after "silk"
she reclines into my lap
purring ever so softly,
beckoning my
caress.
|||||
||||
||||
|||
|||
|||
|||
|||
||
||
||
|
|
--to heighten the disturbing bestial quality of this poem, consider replacing the "pipes" in the tail with actual words, at least a few of them. They could be anything, but the natural progression would describe your response to the "beckoning." If it doesn't work, keep the pipes, but if it does, I'd imagine it would really cinch the excellence if the poem.
If any of those notes seem half-wrought, feel free to ask, and I'll try to be clearer