The Caucus Race

[billy]

what form were you aim for? most have a set up peculiar to themselves.

if you're going the structured route, meter is often the first thing that has to be spot on. you can get some of the rudiments here
the poem has a politico feel about it but also feels very generic.
it also feels too much like a riddle though of course it isn't as the outcome is obvious. in truth i'm suggesting a fresh start, show us in a way we can understand it without all the padding.

So tried my hand at something more coherent and structured. Am yet to look into the stresses/syllable pattern as it corresponds to the Sonnet but did abide by strict syllable limit (I think) and alternating lines.

Tell me what you think.

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The Caucus Race

A race of colored agents is set to run.
Three of red, two of blue and one of black,
and all attuned bolt at the sounding gun.
Ice and fire blaze across the track.

The crowd waves on from the stands above,
while the blood rabbit hops a step ahead.
The marine madly pushes with a shove
poor ole Santa Clause in his merry sled.

A tumble of troubles burdens all three
as they all fall together entangled.
The fine scarlet vixen dances with glee
but Paul Bunyan is also unmangled.

Blasting with speed to reach the bend
they brightly blur to the spectator's gaze
til a bulging huge man crosses the end.
With loud applause Paul is stunned and amazed.

In front flatly stands a shadow in black
Who says “I win” and gives Paul a big smack.