12-13-2013, 09:15 PM
Hi Nihil
This is a hard piece to comment on, and in my case even just to get though, because it lacks focus. I've read it a few times now and still have no idea what it's talking about. It just feels like a lot of words strung together for fun, but without a connecting thread. Of course you probably had something in mind that you wanted to say, but it got buried along the way. That can happen sometimes when beginners get carried away trying to be over-poetical.
Also, I'm pretty well-read, but I had to use the dictionary more than once, and while there's a place for that in poetry, I'm not sure it's in a piece like this.
A few technical things to mention-- you don't need to capitalize every line, it's not necessary and it can confuse things. And why are there so many randomly capitalized words?
Anyway hopefully that's of some help. I'd say this needs a pretty major reworking. Figure out what you want to say, strip it down, and then build it back up. Remember that just because it makes sense to you, doesn't mean it makes sense to your readers. When you're only writing for yourself that's more than fine (we're all guilty of that I'm sure), but once you begin sharing/posting your poetry the focus has to shift a bit.
-justcloudy
This is a hard piece to comment on, and in my case even just to get though, because it lacks focus. I've read it a few times now and still have no idea what it's talking about. It just feels like a lot of words strung together for fun, but without a connecting thread. Of course you probably had something in mind that you wanted to say, but it got buried along the way. That can happen sometimes when beginners get carried away trying to be over-poetical.
Also, I'm pretty well-read, but I had to use the dictionary more than once, and while there's a place for that in poetry, I'm not sure it's in a piece like this.
A few technical things to mention-- you don't need to capitalize every line, it's not necessary and it can confuse things. And why are there so many randomly capitalized words?
Anyway hopefully that's of some help. I'd say this needs a pretty major reworking. Figure out what you want to say, strip it down, and then build it back up. Remember that just because it makes sense to you, doesn't mean it makes sense to your readers. When you're only writing for yourself that's more than fine (we're all guilty of that I'm sure), but once you begin sharing/posting your poetry the focus has to shift a bit.
-justcloudy
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.